The Big Book of Bad Advice

How to Prevent the Coronavirus

Bad advice #33:

Are you tired of hearing about the coronavirus? Yeah, me too. Everywhere I go, it's all "Coronavirus this! Coronavirus that!" What's the solution? Defeat the coronavirus, duh! In this chapter you will find many useful tips on how to solve problems relating to the virus and prevent getting sick.

Lick toilet bowls. Basically anything that ends with the word "challenge" is a smart idea. So do that Coronavirus Challenge! Lick that toilet bowl and show Corona who's boss! After all, it must strengthen your immune system. It's just like a vaccine. Kind of.

Finger-Licking. Sometimes when you eat food, your fingers get all greasy and messy. You might be tempted to wash them with soap and water. But at the same time, you might miss out on important nutrients that will help your immune system fight this virus. The simple solution is to lick your fingers. But if you're so full you don't want to... don't let all those good nutrients go to waste! Get someone else to lick your fingers for you. Yum! 👆🏻👅

Dunking flies into your soup. A wise old sage once told me that on one wing is the disease and on the other is a cure. If a fly with coronavirus happens to fall into your soup, dunk it at least three times to ensure the cure for the disease gets off of the wing. You'll never have to worry about the virus again! This is also proven to be true by science.

Protest the lockdown with your trusty bazooka. The lockdown is controversial enough. And while some fools think that this has nothing to do with guns, bringing your gun can't hurt. Especially if it is a bazooka. That way you can blast the virus in case it is unfortunate enough to encounter you.

"I have a grandma. Do you want her to die?" Accuse everyone who wants the economy to open of wanting to kill either your or their own grandma. Every time you accuse someone of wanting grandmas to die, an angel gains its wings.

Ditch all your 5G devices. As everyone with half a brain knows, millionaires and billionaires get rich by killing off their customers. That's why this 5G phone was made. 3G was fine. 4G was fine. But 5G will give you difficulty in breathing, muscle aches, and other symptoms characteristic of the coronavirus. I don't exactly know why this is true, but it must have something to do with reptiles, the flat earth, and the new world order.

Kill it with light. Expose the inside of your body to light, which can kill the virus. Traditional methods include having surgery in open air, but this is highly risky. I recommend swallowing flashlights. Make sure to include enough batteries for a couple of hours, which is how long it takes for the virus to die. A more holistic method includes standing outside, looking up at the sky, and opening your mouth wide.

Defending China. Defending the government that started it all won't exactly give you immunity, but it will make you feel better about your deep, dark insecurities that you are a racist.

Attack random Asians. If you are in fact racist, here's a solution that will work almost as well as defending China. Everyone knows where this Kung Flu came from, so a sure fire method to scare it away from your home is by punching Asians you suspect are Chinese. Unless you happen to live in China, most of them probably haven't been to China in their lives, so you won't have to worry about getting sick.

Drinking fish tank chemicals. This will also remove your virus worries. Mainly because you'll be dead.

Blow the wind of God. If all else fails, simply blow the wind of God. And whatever you do, don't stop tithing!