Through It All(PTX)

1-Unhealthy

Avi POV

The lights blinded me as I struggled to breathe. The noise was overbearing and I missed my cue. Everyone looked at me and I just backed up. This is the fourth time I've missed a stage cue this week. I ran off the stage and into the dressing room. "Why am I so stupid?" I yelled to no one in particular. What's wrong with me? I can't even perform anymore. I heard Kevin rush in after me.

"Avi you can't just leave in the middle of a concert! We had to stop the song and improvise! Get back out there before the fans complain." He grabbed my shoulder and dragged me back on stage. I looked at the crowd in shame. Pentatonix would be so much better without me. I should just quit so they can really become famous. I need to stop holding them back.

I sang my parts quietly, without any confidence. I want to die. I tried to shake the thought from my head, but it kept returning, attacking my brain. It's like I was screaming but producing no sound. I struggled through the rest of the concert with my head low. Finally, the concert ended and the screaming stopped. I ran off stage and into the restrooms, at least I could lock myself in there.

"Avi, what's wrong? Are you okay?" Kirstie called for me but I didn't move. I felt tears slide down my face, and sat on the ground.

I'm not good enough. I mess up stage cues and I'm overweight. I can't even make my own girlfriend happy. I should just run away from everything. Leave it all behind and start over. But the guilt would eat me alive. I stood up with wobbly legs and unlocked the door. Kirstie wrapped her arms around me and I silently cried into her back. I'm so weak...

"I don't know what's going on but it will be fine. We all love you and we'll help you with anything, trust me." She pulled away from the hug and wiped my eyes with her thumbs.

"Thanks Kirst, I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize; everyone breaks down now and then." If only she knew...

Kirstie is so beautiful, but nobody compares to Brinley. Brin is so perfect it almost hurts. She never goes to concerts, she hates my voice. But so do I.

Scott POV

"We need to do something about Avi. He's making the rest of you look horrible." Our manager said.

"That's not true! He's just going through some hard times." I argued and Mitch nodded.

"I'm sure he just needs a little help then he'll be right back." Kevin said.

"I'm holding you guys to that. He better be fine by next week or we'll have to start cancelling shows." How are we supposed to do that? We aren't counselors...

Kirstie entered with Avi following closely behind her. He looked like he was about to break down in tears at any moment.

"I'm sorry guys. I don't know what's wrong with me." Kirst squeezed Avi's hand and he looked down again.

"It happens to the best of us. Let's just head back to the hotel and relax for a while." I watched everyone leave except Kirstie.

"Is he okay?"

"I don't know, Scott. What if he does something?"

"He wouldn't..."

"Let's just make sure we keep an eye on him."

Avi POV

***Four months earlier****

She kept knocking until I unlocked my bedroom door. Brinley, my girlfriend, the only light left in my life. Her long blonde hair shone in the light of the hallway, her blue eyes brightening as I pulled her into an embrace. Everything about her was beautiful; she was created by God himself. I feel like nothing compared to her.

"Hey Avi." She smiled warmly and pulled me into a hug.

"You smell nice." Her smile faltered as she removed her body from mine.

"When was the last time you got out of bed? You're a mess." She frowned.

"I wasn't feeling so well yesterday. Depression caught up to me and..." She cut me off.

"I thought you were over your depression?"

"I was but..."

"Well you better change fast if you want to keep me."

"Brinley, it isn't that simple." I sighed.

"You won't find someone like me every day. You should be grateful I even let you in my life."

"I love you Brin."

"I love you too but I have priorities and standards."

"Why does it matter now, after we've been dating for three months?"

"Because I want a relationship that will last, don't you?"

"Yeah..." I hesitated.

"Then listen to me and we'll be fine."

"Alright I'll see you tomorrow."

"Bye Avi, thanks for letting me borrow your credit card."

"My what?" She kissed me on the cheek and abruptly left, slamming my bedroom door.

****end of flashback****

It all started with missing stages and panic attacks. Now I just lay in bed waiting for my life to magically improve and my problems to disappear. Every once in a while Brinley or another Pentatonix member while knock on the door to check on me. I've learned that locking them out is a healthier alternative for both sides. By now they probably do not even notice my disappearance.

"Avi you need to get out of your room, this is not healthy! It's not only you that you're hurting!" Kirstie called through the door. "Avi please, we need you. You can't keep living like this." Mitch yelled beside her. "There's no use. He will stay in there forever." Mitch said quieter and I heard the footsteps leaving my door.