Through It All(PTX)

18 - Suicide Watch

Avi POV

**2 days later**

I'm beginning to think suicide watch is the worst event I've ever experienced. No matter what, one of my band mates has to be constantly with me. At first it was alright but Kevin and Scott tend to really get on my nerves.

The third day I managed to remove every machine when Scott fell asleep. If it wasn't for the stupid nurse in the hallway I probably could have left. The nurse pulled me back into my room and extended my watch by three days. Now I'm on the fifth. Only five more....

The fourth day Mitch ended up crying because he came to the horrible conclusion that he was the reason I swallowed the pilIs. I don't think my heart has ever broken into more pieces. It's so hard to comfort someone else when your head is still screaming at you.

I don't think any amount of antidepressants or prescribed pills will ever help me. Nothing can knock these thoughts from my head because I already believe them. I hate myself and I doubt that will ever change.

I tried to put on a happy act for Kirstie this morning but that didn't go so well. The doctor tried to inject me with more useless pills and I lashed out. Nothing is going to help me now! Why do they keep trying?

By lashed out I meant trying to hit the doctor which pulled some machines off. I screamed when he injected me with whatever liquid to knock me out. I was extremely disappointed that he didn't kill me before I woke up.

Now Scott is watching me because Kirstie had another date. They never last long, maybe a month or two. At least they don't threaten her. If Brinley ever comes back I'm filing a restraining order.

"Hey Avi?"
"What Scott?" I glared.
"The fans started a hash tag for you. It's #weloveyouAvi."
"That's cool." I said under my breath.
"God. It's like you don't even care."
"I do care!"
"Without the fans we would be no where! You don't even deserve them!"
"I appreciate the fans!"
"Enough to kill yourself?"

Scott's comment hit me hard. My eyes started to water as my stomach dropped.

"Avi I didn't mean to say that... I'm sorry." Scott suggested. He did mean to say it. Otherwise he would not have said it.
"You did Scott. You think I'm a horrible person."
"I didn't say that!"
"I should kill myself, right? You can just replace me. The band would be better off without me. Apparently I don't appreciate the fans anyways."
"Avi! That's not what I meant!"
"It is what you meant! I'm trying so hard to find motivation and your telling me I should just die anyways."
"Avi! I'm sorry!" Scott pleaded.
"SCOTT I WISH YOU WOULD JUST GET THE FUCK OUT." I screamed
"I'm calling the nurse."
"DON'T YOU DARE." He pushed the button but I lunged towards him.

"Look Avi... there is no reason to try to fight right now. You're still recovering!"
"DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO." The nurse rushed in and pushed my chest against the bed
"Sir, please calm down. Take a few breaths it will all be alright. We just need to get your heart rate back down." She said.
"I CAN TAKE CARE OF MYSELF!"
"Sir please. The only one you are hurting here is yourself."
"I WANT TO DIE." I grabbed her hair and she stopped moving.
"Sir please stop. We will not hesitate to sedate you again." That shut me up. I released the nurses blonde hair and sat up.I don't want them to inject me with shit when I'm not awake.

I took a bunch of deep breaths and let myself calm down. Perhaps I have a bit of a anger management problem. "Can you just get him out of here? I need some space right now." I asked the nurse to remove Scott because who knows what will happen next.

"Sure, but not until we find someone else to fill in for him." The nurse commented and I groaned. Why can't I just be alone for once??? I wanted to be along in that goddamn hotel room and I want to be alone now. I could always find something in some of those hospital drawers and slit my throat. That would be a quick way to go out, right? I wish I could just shoot myself in the head and be done with it. I don't deserve this life.

A few minutes later Kyra rushed in. "Thank god." Scott said, "He's just about ready to kill me."
"What did you do?"
"I took it too far. I'm sorry Avi!"
"Sorry doesn't mean anything!" I argued.
"You should just leave Scott. I'll talk to you later." Kyra said.
"Bye." As soon as Scott left I felt like I could finally breathe.

"How are you feeling Avi?"
"You're kidding right?" Is everyone oblivious???
"Hey no need to lash out on me!"
"Don't test me. I've already lashed out at two different people today." Kyra slightly smiled in response.

"Look there's something I've been meaning to tell you for awhile." Kyra started.
"I already know you like me, Kyra. One of the band mates told me. I'm not worth your time."
"Can I at least have a chance?"
"How do I know you won't abuse me?"
"How dare you compare me to Brinley!"
"Why would you even want to be with me?"
"Because I don't think your broken Avi. I think you just need a little love."
"So you just pity me? Good to know." I replied harshly.
"No! There is so many good things about you!"
"Really because I don't like a single thing."
"That's because you don't see how beautiful you are."
"Kyra stop."

"No. You are so sweet to Mitch and Kirstie. They way you get so absorbed in your music gets me everytime. I rarely see you smile, but when you do everyone around you gets so bright and happy. The way you can just brighten a room is wonderful. I'm not very good with words but I really like you Avi."
"You deserve someone better Kyra!"
"How could I want better when the best is right in front of me?"

I had not realized how close she was until her lips were against mine. Without realizing it I started kissing back subconsciously. She smiled into the kiss while I sat there baffled. Man, could she kiss... but would this be another crash and burn relationship?

"Well?" She asked.
"I... I..."

A/N: I finally updated!