i fell for you. [on hold]

Patch

It was terrifying what kind of effect he jad on me, he made me stand somewhere between emotional and emotionless. He made me feel loved and hated, confident and insecure, strong but terribly weak.
I don't know if i should call it magical or horrible how it feels, maybe both.

I never felt anything as strong and big but at the same time so weak and small as this. It makes me so vulnerable, it makes me vulnerable because i'm human and humans are capable of being hurt. It's terrifying to give someone so much power over you.

All i've felt in my life was betrayal and i got used to it, i got so used to it that it didn'5 hurt anymore, but even though it doesn't hurt, you don't want to give somebody the opportunity to break your heart even more. I did when i was younger, but you learn from your mistakes so i never gave my heart away again, i swore that to myself.

Giving your heart away doesn't certainly means to the person you want to marry but also to friends. I even think that friends can hurt you more than your loves can, at least, they did to me. Friends can break every single thing you believe in. I used to believe in the beauty of love, in the worthness of friendship, in the goodness of the little things. They said to me that the little things made everything special, that friends are there forever, that love will make you want to live the fullest. Non of that is true, if you ask me.

When my mom died, the love i felt died with her. All of her beauty, all of her stories, all of her wisdom, one moment it was there and the other, it was gone. It left this earth way too fast, way too easy. And it hurts. It hurts because i needed it, because i build on it, because it matters to me.

All of these stupid songs about love, all of these stupid poems about love, all of these stupid stories about love. It's making me sick and so happy at the same time. It did something wonderful to me and i never thought that you could feel this way. Even though i won't admit it, i know it's because of him.

Patch.