Why Do You Care? | Todoroki Angst, BakuTodo

Chapter 13 - Cigarettes out the Window

Shoto POV:

It's Monday night and sadly I can't fall asleep. The day was terrible, I fought with my father and embarrassed myself in front of my friends. Well, it could be worse if they forced me to eat or like have therapy or some shit. I didn't have to do any of it I was just sitting there with a drip in my hand waiting to get out of there. My dad disagreed with force-feeding me since he believes "He's a hero he will eat himself for his future" or something like this which of course caused some disappointment in my doctor's eyes but for me it was perfect. I didn't have to worry about school, training, or even food. I was free from all these. The only thing that's left is this unstoppable urge to die. I want to die, but I can't let myself do that because that will hurt Bakugo and I can't afford to hurt him anymore. Bakugo brought me some of my things from my dorm so I won't die in this boring hell, I bridged out my favorite cigs and a book. I sat on the windowsill and opened the window lighting u a cigarette and opening the book. I'm still reading the same book, Suicide notes, it's short but I didn't have any energy to read the last couple of weeks. My depression made it difficult to even brush my teeth or shower so reading was too hard. I let out my emotions with the smoke, first feeling it deep inside my lungs. I felt good but sad. I'm so fucking sad I can't stand it, I just want to cry but nothing came out of my eyes. After I finished my last cigarette I couldn't help but broke down into little, silent tears. 

I want to die. I don't want to die. I'm fat. I'm too skinny. I don't recognize myself anymore. What have I done to myself? To everyone? Why am I doing this? Why do I keep hurting everyone around me? I hate this I hate it so much...I hate myself. I can't stand it, this feeling of being so fucking useless and weak. My father is right I'm so god damnn weak and worthless. I should've listened to him and not gone to UA, I wouldn't have been such a burden to everyone, I just keep messing up no matter how hard I try, and now I'm sitting in a hospital and I'm worrying everyone...I'm so stupid, I'm so fucking stupid. I deserve this, I deserve to die. I don't want to recover I want to die so badly, I should quit UA. I should quit being a hero. I could just lie in my room doing nothing and eventually die. Why is living so freaking hard? Why I can't just live normally like everyone else, why do I have to be like this? It's hurting me, the fact that I'm standing out so much, that I'm worrying everybody, that I'm so weak and useless and worthless and god damnn it fucking disgusting. 

I stand up. I'm sure Katsuki brought my wallet and in my wallet, I always keep a little razor blade for "emergencies". I open the bathroom doors and slide down the door. I roll up my sleeve and bring the razor out of my wallet. My hands are shakeing and with the tears runing down my cheek. "I'm sorry" I whisper and feel the blade cut my skinny deep, the blood almost imidietly shows and starts to drip on the floor. I make two big cuts 1. for hurting Katsuki 2. For being evrything I am. I wash the wounds and cover them up in a paper and bandages that were in the bathroom. I shakingly got out of the bathroom, my eyes widen when I saw Katsuki stand infront of me.

- You're doing this again?..- he said in a sad voice

- I'm sorry I just can't do this anymore...I'm so useless and I keep hurting everyone around me...

- You're hurting me even more when you're doing this to yoursel...

- I-i'm sorry - I broke into tears again and we hug

We saty like this for a while and then go back to bed. I was able to sleep this time. Before I knew I fell asleep.

Balugo POV:

I couldn't sleep for the rest of the night, because I was scared for Shoto to do anything stupid again. i can't believe he's doing this again. Before he got to the hospital he stopped doing that but probably only because his eating disorder was too consuming.

 I'm scared, that one day I'll walk into our room a bit to late and I'll see his body lieing on the ground with a lifeless expression on his face. He was now suverly underweight because they didn't even let him leave the hospital. I can see his bones stick out and his face has changed from a cute to a sad one. I want him to be happy again I want him to feel good about himself, I want him to be healthy, I wanna stay with him forever. I love him so much, it breaks my heart to see him this way...I can't imagine what he's going through, he can't even walk for more than 30 minutes because he get's dizzy and tierd. I need him to get better, I need to help him. I have to be here for him no matter what. I really hope his going to get better because his state right now is so fucking scary and painful to me. It might be a long road to recover from all of his problems but I'm sure we'll get through it together. He never really told me about what's going on in his head, I knew that when he came to my bed crying at night it was bad, and when he stoped doing anything for an hour I knew it was really bad now that he's in the hospital I know he is worse than ever. I hope doctors will help him, I can't stand the pain in my heart whenever I see him cry, hurt or even his sad full of pain eyes. 

I rub my slightly teary eyes as I kiss Shoto on the forehead and rub his hair in my fingers untill morning.

1060 words