Matchmaker 101

~January 16, 2023~

Okay so this is a bit unique because while it doesn't necessarily involve someone I'm matchmaking, it involves someone I've mentioned here before. I genuinely don't know if I'm overthinking or if these signs are really pointing somewhere, but I don't know how to take it.

Basically, do you guys remember C? He's the guy my friend F has a massive crush on and I also happen to have 4 classes with him. Well, a somewhat suspicious moment from Thursday in enrichment that suddenly came to my mind has me thinking that he might have a crush on me. It wasn't just that either, it was a bunch of small stuff that I never really thought about until now and I seriously don't know what to do. Like I've said, I'm aroace; I don't like him romantically.

So basically, what happened was that both of us are in our school's journalism/audio-visual enrichment. This means that during 9th period we work on the school's announcements and create content. During Thursday's announcements, I was working on green screen and C worked on graphics. He said something about not knowing the password and I told him. Then he was like "You type it cuz my (something, either hands or brain) isn't working rn." C turned the keyboard in my direction which caused me to have to lean in closer to him to type the password in. After that, he switched to working on sound and we didn't speak again until after announcements were finished. C basically walked with me for the beginning part of walking to the busses too.

Now, I wouldn't have thought much of this if

A. I was a closer friend of his (which we aren't that close)

and

B. Other stuff hadn't happened before.

There's quite a lot, but I'll try to keep it short.

Tw: Mentions of sewerslide and  h0sp!t@lization

So this all starts in October, I spoke to C first in August about something that involved F but it isn't all that important so I won't mention it. In that month, I presented a poem to my reading class (one of the classes I have with C) and he spoke to me about it. He was like "Are you gay?" or something like that and I was like "No." because I'm not (the poem was about gender and sht). I found that very funny because C's best friend, F, is openly trans and he's also pansexual I think. Anyway I was annoyed and the next day he basically followed me around twice during very random times to talk about very random stuff that he could've easily talked about with his homies. This was before I had journalism with C, in fact I had journalism with F during this time.

Fast forward to the 2nd quarter, in November, when I had journalism with C and F wasn't in it anymore. One day, I was talking to one of my old friends and I said something like "Oh yeah and one of my friends (referring to F) got kicked out of enrichment." I don't know how in the world that came up but that's besides the point. Well, C heard and was like "Yeah, 'that friend' doesn't have very good grades." He knew who I was talking about and tbh I didn't expect him to.

The conversation continued from there and the topic of a sewerslide attempt by my old friend got brought up. Now, something important to bring up is that at the time, 5 of my friends had attempted and one of my best friends had attempted twice around a month prior. So it was an extremely touchy subject to bring up to me like that. I sighed and said "I've had so many of my friends attempt." Not specifically referring to F but they were included in that since they attempted over the summer.

C heard me say that and mentioned a detail that not even I knew about F's attempt and h0sp!t@lization. He said that he had been in contact with F on discord throughout the entire time they'd been h0sp!t@lized and that it was scary for him. I didn't expect C to open up to me like that about something so personal and I honestly just wanted to give him a hug in that moment because I related to that so much. Not because of F, I wasn't there when they attempted, but because of one of my best friends that had attempted twice a month prior. I was present during both of those attempts. It doesn't help that during the first one, I was left alone with him and felt like I was single handedly responsible for whether or not he lived. It was traumatic, especially so soon after the matter.

Instead, I left it with a short "Aw." and I think C implied that he didn't think I knew about the attempt so I told him I knew and the conversation ended shortly after. I genuinely didn't know why he would want to open up to me of all people about that, especially because a lot of his friends were in journalism at that point.

Something happened a week later in journalism, where there was a misunderstanding involving me saying "She (referring to D) was so obsessed with him (her old crush)!" to a friend and C thought I was talking about F's massive crush on him. I immediately knew what he was talking about and I was SHOOKETH (mainly because of the whole misgendering thing). I told C that I wasn't talking about him and that I was talking about my sister and I asked a very rhetorical "Who did you think I was talking about?" and C responded with "That friend (it was our little inside joke between us at that point)."

Something happened a week ago too. Do you guys remember when I said R moved to mine and K's side of the lunchroom in an earlier entry? Well C was also one of the people that moved to my side of the lunchroom and he sat at the table right in front of K and I in a seat to where he was directly facing me specifically.

Anyway, with all that, I don't know what to do. Does C have a crush on me (I hope he doesn't)? I also think I might've caught him giving me glances on Friday, but I'm not sure. I would talk to F about this if they didn't have a huge crush on him and I don't want my concerns to cause drama between F and C; I'd feel awful if that were to happen. But yet again, F is the only person I could possibly trust with my suspicions. So should I tell F or should I not? If not, I'll just keep this all to myself and just hope nothing else happens.

On a much lighter note, happy birthday Jennie Kim 💖🎂🎉