Appeal Denied

2017-NYC-BOS-DC-40: Prima Facie

September 28-29, 2017

Watching Karl walk away from me should have been a wake-up call. Instead, it propelled me upstairs where I purchased Harry's album on iTunes as quickly as I could, downloading it so I could listen on my Beats headphones. Taking Townes for a walk, I listened once more to 'Kiwi', even though Harry had performed it three times at the concert. The tempo was fast, and the lyrics made me smile.

"Having your baby...None of your business...." I recalled the night we met. Tekiwis and sex on my desk. What a wonderful introduction to the brilliant Harry Styles. I've never smoked a cigarette in my life, so that line threw me off, but the rest of it....Holy shit. I laughed so hard that I didn't realize there were tears on my face until the chill of the night nearly froze them on my cheeks.

Once Townes and I were upstairs, I decided to listen to all the songs again in the order they were on the album. Which was a mistake for sure. 'Meet Me in the Hallway' took me back to that night at his house in LA when he'd cooked dinner and bought me the work outfit. Not gonna lie. I cried buckets listening to it. The pain. I knew he'd cried that night, but I had no clue of the depth of his feelings until I listened to the song. Did he know I'd been on the other side of the door in an equal amount of agony? Why hadn't he said something? Why hadn't I?

'Sign of the Times' and 'Carolina' came on next, and I washed my face, brushed my teeth, and changed into my pajamas as I listened to them. Having heard them before, they didn't hit me as hard, and I laughed when he sang about Townes learning to swim because of our time at the pool and with the designated doggy-raft in Jamaica.

'Two Ghosts'? More torture. Trying to remember how it feels to have a heartbeat? Fuck. I had no clue that being apart had affected him this way. Maybe this was just his way of writing songs? Perhaps his suffering wasn't real? But mine was -- listening to the song hurt deeply, and I was relieved by 'Sweet Creature' playing next as I recalled the first time I'd FaceTimed with Gemma before the Another Man party. Following her on Twitter, I learned that she is quite unique and opinionated, and I was proud to know her vicariously through Harry.

'Only Angel' I needed to listen to multiple times. Stuck between his teeth? Splinters in his knuckles? He's still the only one in love with himself? That one was categorically not true. I know I hadn't told him I was in love with him. Silly perhaps on my part. But there was nothing in either song that indicated he returned the emotion. So maybe I was reading too much into the song?

'Woman'? When had he written this one? After I was already with Karl? Maybe this one wasn't even about me. The pain in the song......the pain in so many of his songs. Why hadn't he told me these things? Why had he let me think he was just in it for the sex?

But it was 'From the Dining Table' that drove home the spike in my heart. I couldn't breathe, and I curled into a ball as I cried great, heaving sobs listening to the song again and again until the morning light shone through the windows and Townes was jumping up ready to go out for a potty break.

Throwing a coat over my pajamas, I took my puppy (who was now famous whether she knew it or not) outside where she danced around the few trees on my block before she squatted. Happily, she trotted around my ankles, and I reached down to pick her up just as the charge on my headphones died, leaving me standing there on the sidewalk, forlorn, lost without Harry's voice in my ear.

Fuck. Had he been feeling this deeply about me the whole time? Had I completely fucked everything up? Was there a chance....? No. That way lay only madness. Harry was a grown man. If he felt that deeply about me, he could have said so. Should have.

"So should you," my brain pinged back. Dejected, I wandered back to my building to find Karl standing out front, a paper bag in his hand and dark circles under his eyes. How had I forgotten him in my reverie?