Us Against the World

38. The Second Goodbye

The kitchen goes silent.

My eyes are downcast and welling up with salty, stinging tears. I can't meet Ezra's eyes; I can't see the pain that I've caused him in one quick, simple sentence. My throat is tight and my chest aches. It seems like my body is trying to shut down; a useless attempt to run away from my problems once again. Death is ideal, but it's not going to happen now. God wants me to suffer, to see the heartbreak on my love's face as I tear our relationship to shreds.

"W...What are you talking about?" Ezra whispers. His shaky hands cup my jaw. He tries to make me look at him, but a surge of stubborn strength counters him, and successfully resists his silent plea. The warmth of his skin drops from my face and my heart wails.

"You heard me," I croak helplessly. Suddenly, I'm a child with a limited vocabulary. "I...this is too much. I can't hold you back...I'm not the one you should be with."

"Who are you to tell me that?!" Ezra's voice raises. I flinch. He's never yelled at me before. "Meera, I'm in love with you. I don't care what's going on in your life. I want to help you, but you keep telling me no."

"Because I can't be in debt again!" I shout. "I don't want to take your money! I don't want to keep wasting your time!"

"You're not wasting my time or my money!" Ezra growls. "Those both belong to me, and I decide how to use them, not you. If I want to spend the rest of my life with you, then that's my choice, not yours."

"Well, I'm making that choice now," I snap, struggling to speak through the tremors that crash and rock my throat. "Ezra, I love you. I really, really love you. But...my family is a mess. My whole life is a mess, and I don't want you to be a part of it. I...I can't ruin what you have."

"You aren't ruining anything!" Ezra desperately tries to convince me that I'm wrong. "I love you too, Meera, I really do. I want to spend the rest of my life with you! I want to take you places, give you things, and make you smile! I want to have a family with you; I want to see our kids laughing and playing with you!"

"Our kids would be crippled, just like me!" I spat bitterly. "At least, the girls will. What fun would that be? Can you imagine what the tabloids would say? They'd have a field day if I marry you, even more so if we have children together."

"Why the fuck do you care what they say? I don't! They don't dictate my life; their job is just to ruin it." He takes my hands. "Please, Meera, don't do this. Let me help you...let me be by your side, I'm begging you."

"I..." my heart is lodged in my throat. It doesn't want me to answer; it wants me to use my feelings over my head, trying to trump the rational thoughts that attack my mouth. I'm not sure what to say, or what I want. I'm conflicted, confused over the war that rages in my body. It makes my head spin; it makes my breathing accelerate. What do I do? Can I keep doing this? Can I balance my sister, my job, and my boyfriend? Can I control the tabloids constantly trying to ruin my life? The parties and lavish lifestyle that I'm not and probably never will be accustomed to?

You caused all of this, my mind sneers haughtily. You're the reason your sister is having a baby so early in her life. You're the reason that you can't find a good job to support yourself. You're the reason that Ezra is standing in front of you, no longer a proud, confident man; begging you to stay with him because he loves you so much. You broke his heart, you don't deserve any happiness. You couldn't raise your sister, you don't deserve any happiness. You're the reason that your parents are dead, you don't deserve any happiness.

"Meera!" Ezra tries to break the chains of doubt and guilt that snap around me. "Meera, please, don't think that you deserve to be unhappy! You've done everything that you could to give your sister the best life possible. You're not the cause of your parents' accident-!"