Wife Material

19

I wake up panicked. I glance around my room, ensuring that I'm in my bed. The lamp shines some light across the space.

I breathe in deeply, then out. I count to ten, then to twenty and finally to thirty. My breathing has gone back to normal, and I feel somewhat safe again.

My hand goes to my neck, where minutes ago I though a hand was strangling me. The events of that day haunt me in my sleep now. Even though Daniel is dead, I still see his eyes every time I close mine. I can feel Oron's hands on my body and I can feel the way those two other men held me down as the other had his way with me.

These images don't leave me.

The only reasons I get out of bed is to please my mother and to ensure that the kids know they can rely on me. The orphanage has told me there is a couple that may be interested in adopting them.

It's great news, but I can't bring myself to be truly happy. I feel attached to them, and although I know I'm not their mother, I feel close to them and I care about them and their health more than I've ever cared about anyone else.

I love seeing the way they're interacting with their new friends, getting on in school and growing so much, right before my eyes. However, this new family lives in Florida.

It's selfish, because I know I can't provide them with the security they deserve, I know that I'm too damaged and broken to be the mother they deserve, but how can I feel happy watching these kids I have completely fallen in love with for the past couple of months just go.

Then, there's my mother. I have completely lost faith in the fact that she may believe I am worth something or that she may see me as more than a mean to an end.

After I confided in her about my rape, and the fact that Elijah's mom was behind it, she stated that there was a contract I had to fulfill, and my failure to do so could only end one way. In a war, where they would want my whole family's head.

When I pleaded for an alternative, she stated there wasn't one. "You have to suck it up. It's your job as the wife of a powerful man. They'll use you to get to him, and until you prove you're not to be messed with, you'll have to take it."

Even if I live away from him, he will have to remain my husband. The Union of our family is the most important thing. Trying to run away, will only cause me pain. Trying to find an alternative, will bring me suffering. Although she didn't say it, I know it was implied that this suffering and pain would be brought by her.

Rolling over to the other side of my bed, I grab my laptop and find something to watch, to lull me to sleep.

When my eyes close, I don't see the monsters this time. Instead, I see Elijah. His arms wrapped around my waist, as he places gentle kisses on my neck, working his way down. His hands explore my body, then they work their way back to my neck.

His kisses turn desperate, and his hands start to apply pressure on my neck. His hold on me tightens, and I start to plead for him to stop. He only chokes me harder, but when I turn to look at him, it's not him. It's his mother, but in the corner of my eyes, I see him.

He watches as his mother tries to kill me, with an emotionless expression. We make eye contact and he only watches me struggle, not moving to help me.

I can feel the world around me darken, and the room turn black. That's when I wake up. Again, I'm in my room. No one is there, and my laptop plays an episode of a sitcom.

"I can't do this. I can't live like this."

I grab the diary I keep in my nightstand and decides to write down the thoughts that have been plaguing my mind recently.

I don't feel like myself anymore. I don't know who I am. Everywhere I go, my family follows, because they don't trust I'll be okay by myself. And although I want to feel okay, I know I'm not, so I don't argue when they follow.

Their faces hunt me when I sleep. I don't think I'll ever find peace again. I know Daniel is dead, I saw the bullet travel from the weapon in my hands, and land in his skull, and yet, his eyes still torment me, his hand still feel my skin in my sleep, his breath still grazes my neck and his voice continues to punish me.

It punishes me for not being a better person, for all the bad things I've done in my past, for forgetting all the years of training I have. How could I be so weak, that I couldn't escape: I caused this.

If Daniel still hunts me, after seeing his lifeless body hit the ground, after watching the blood pour from his wound, knowing I did that, then how do I know that after Oron and his men die I will be okay?

My therapist says there is no cure for trauma, but that's not good enough for me. I want to be cured. I need to feel better. Or, I will let this void consume me, and the Lilliana I was before this happened will be lost forever.

I still think about that day, about how my father, even from the grave, is still the one helping me. Yet, my mother who is alive and well refuses to, and instead pushes me in the hands of evil. She puts me up for sale, for the devil to buy my soul.

Was my father truly there that day, was his spirit what led me to safety? Or was it all my imagination? Was it God, coming to visit me as  the person I trust the most? Do I even still believe in God? I pleaded and prayed for him to make it stop, for hours, yet nothing happened.

If not for my cousins and the kids, I think the dark thoughts would have won already.

When I stand in my bathroom, staring at my reflection, I glance at my razor and I think about how easily it would be to stop it all. How beautifully the blood would pour and paint my floors red.

But then I hear Mariana giggle, I watch as Enrico shares his toy with Vanessa for the first time, I see Xavier practice his maths with Talia, while she tries speaking Greek, making him laugh and I listen to Malik and Valentina sing so out of key it hurts and I feel selfish for thinking about making the pain just go away, instead of fighting against it.

I watch the paper and read my words. My thoughts are too confusing, they're too much. So, I rip the page off and throw it in on a floor. I rewrite an edited and more polished version of my thoughts to take to my therapist soon.

You'll be fine. You'll be fine. You'll be fine.

I repeat it throughout the night, as I fall asleep.

it's been a little while. I've said this already... I'm so sorry for the too long gap between my updates, but I've been prioritising uni and my mental health and tbh I wanted to unpublish all my books on here.

All im saying is, im trying and I feel better about my books now so im going to start updating more frequently.