"I didn't choose this for myself: the constant heartache, the feeling out of place in my own home, the lack of freedom. I didn't choose it, just like you didn't, Elijah. I can live with a husband who doesn't love me, but I will not forgo respect. I'...
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Being back in this house isn't as hard as I thought it would be, however, being in the same space as Elijah is suffocating.
When the kids are in school, and we're left home alone with no distractions, except for the occasional cries that Martina lets out, all I can do is spend my time avoiding him.
He has tried giving me space to the best of his abilities, yet, I know he's lurking in the corners of the hallway, ready to attend to my needs. I know he sleeps with his door open to hear if I'm having another one of my nightmares.
They only happen rarely, when there has been a trigger. Instead, most nights I wait by his door listening to him as his night terrors disturb his peace. I've heard him murmur one name in particular, Giulia.
I woke up early this morning, ready to baby proof the house because Martina seems ready to start crawling.
The kids all went to church and out for food with my cousins, and Elijah is out, so I have the house to myself.
I get through half of the baby proofing before the doorbell rings. I get off the floor and head to the door.
After checking who it is my excitement levels skyrocket. Alena pushes the door open as soon as I unlock it, and she pulls me into a hug. I reciprocate happily.
I've missed them so much. Our contact has been limited, because of me, and my mental health not allowing me to conversante with anyone that wasn't my immediate family.
"Girl, I've missed you so much," Alena says, still hugging me close to her.
We move to the couch and talk.
"My grandma called a family meeting two weeks ago, said she appreciates that we all went to Greece to stay with her while she was sick but that she doesn't want us to waste our lives away, while we wait for her to die. . . says she feels like we've already put an expiry date on her life."
I nod understandingly, "So, I'm back in New York."
"I'm so happy you're here. The both of you."
Santi smiles, "Now that we're both back, I can go back to being your security guard, if you'll have me. I understand that after what happened you may not feel safe but-"
I stop him, "No, there is no one I trust more with my safety, than you, Santi. I love you, but I don't want you to come back if you're not ready. You almost died that day, because people were trying to hurt me. I'd understand if you're done with me. I know Elijah would re-appoint you."
It's true. I see Santi as more than just my bodyguard, he's a friend, he's family.
"I'll be back at your service, if you'll let me."
"We can talk about this later, I'm just so happy you guys are back."
They smile at eachother.
"So . . . You guys are dating now?" Santi chokes on the water he is drinking.
"Uhm, no, no. We're just friends." He manages to lets out between his deeb breaths and coughs. "Yeah, what he said. We're just friends." Alena has an amused look on her face, one I'll be asking her about later.
We catch up, for hours, until Elijah eventually comes back. He has takeout food in a bag, and sits opposite from me, as he talks with Alena and Santi.
It's around 11:00pm when our friends finally leave. "I'll pick you up tomorrow for a spa day. We need it." I nod, "I'll see you in the morning."
As soon as the door closes, I notice Elijah looking at me, but he quickly shifts his gaze to the little mess in the living rooom, and walks over to start cleaning.
I'm close behind, helping him.
"You don't have to do that, I've got it. I'm sure you need some time to yourself. Go to bed. I've got it."
I nod, and head to my room.
I try to fall asleep for hours, tossing and turning in bed, before I stand up and head to the kitchen.
Murmored voices slow my pace, and I head to Elijah's office, where they're coming from. The door is slighlty ajar, so I listen closely.
"How are your night terrors?" A voice I'm unfamiliar asks. It sounds distant, like it's coming from a phone or a laptop. "Better. I'm better. That's not what I'm worried about. That is not why I called."
The man sighs at Elijah's words, "Elijah, I know you are worried about your wife and her healing, but I'm sure you understand that you cannot put a timeline on it. She will heal, when she will heal. Give her time."
"I am," his voice is strained, "I have, and I will conitnue to do so. But I don't know what to do anymore. I want her to see me the way she saw me before."
"I'm sure she does, she may just needs time to show it to you."
"No, you should've seen her today. With our friends. It's like they brough out a piece of her that was only alive before her attack. For the first time, I saw her get close to a man and not flinch. As messed up as it sounds, I waited for it, Dr Reynolds. I waited for her flinch when Santi pulled her in for a hug. But she didn't. She embraced him. Pulled him close to her."
"Isn't that a good thing? It means she is getting better."
"Yes, but as soon as the door closed, and our friends left, that light died." Some time passes, in silence.
"I want to go back to your night terrors. Do you remember the first one? What triggered it, or what it was?"
My phone vibrates, so I try to quietly get away from the door.
I enter my room and lock the door.
Elijah's words ring in my head. I never wanted him to feel as he does, but I don't know how to not make him feel that way. Especially because the changes he noticed are things even I didn't realize.
