"I didn't choose this for myself: the constant heartache, the feeling out of place in my own home, the lack of freedom. I didn't choose it, just like you didn't, Elijah. I can live with a husband who doesn't love me, but I will not forgo respect. I'...
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Before Lilliana was raped, we formed a friendship. We were at a place in our relationship where we were comfortable with each other and enjoyed each other's company.
When I accused her of being in contact with her ex boyfriend, I know I ruined that completely.
However, there is something she said that confused me during our argument: that I had sex with another woman on the night of our wedding. There is no way that is possible, as I spent our wedding night in my office, while she spent it at a hotel.
I was supposed to be there with her, and I really wanted to. After the reception, we both got extremely intoxicated, and crossed boundaries we set for our marriage: that every display of affection had to be to convince someone of the authenticity of our relationship.
But that night, everyone knew our relationship was out of convenience, yet, her arms wrapped around my neck, as mine pulled her by her waist. Her head rested on my shoulder for a while, but as the alcohol started to have an affect on her, her lips started planting soft kisses on my neck, but eventually, they started to leave hickeys.
I always thought she was attractive, yet, that night, she was so much more. She was irresistable. I thought that although we started our marriage because our families needed us to, we may have been able to actually find love in the midst of the cahos.
But the next day, after I left her in our hotel room to go to the office, because I was called in for an emergency, she ignored me. I got back to the hotel early in the morning, before she even woke up, and I started making breakfast, but when she woke up, after a single glance at me, she turned her head in disgust and walked out.
I always thought it was because she regretted what happened and wanted our marriage to be only what it stated in the contract, nothing romantic, and I accepted it. Now, though, I know that she doesn't remember us dancing together, and that she thinks that I had sex with somebody else.
Would things in our marriage have been different if she knew what happened, if she knew that I was innocent of the things she thinks I committed.
It's too late to ask now, and I don't think it would matter anyways. Every time I make eye contact with her, she looks away, if we're in the same room when the kids are not here she walks away.
I know she is working on forgiving me, in therapy, but I know that only extends to the action of the day of her assault. She wants to forgive me for not being there, for not answering my phone, but that is all.
It is in my hands to beg her forgive me for not trusting her about Zak, for leaving her on our wedding night, for not knowing she was pregnant.
The door opens, and Vale and Enrico run inside, immediately clinging to me. I crouch down to their height to place kisses on their foreheads, before they head to their respective rooms. It takes a bit longer for Xander and Lilli to come in.
Lilliana watches as Xander walks to me for a hug. "Hi, buddy. How's your arm feeling?" I ask, to which I receive a quick shrug of the shoulders.
"It's better, and my head doesn't hurt as much anymore. Li says that I still can't go back to school, but I'm bored staying home. Can you please convince her that I'll be okay?" His voice lowers with the last question, but it is still loud enough that my wife hears it.
"We'll have to see, bud. Go drop your bags in your room."
As Lilliana starts to move towards the stairs, I stop her. "I moved my things out of the rooms, so you can sleep there."
"There's no need, I can fit on the couch. I can have everything Tini needs here, and I'll set up her cot."
I insist, "No, I have a couch in my office, and that's where I spend most of my time. I want you to be comfortable. We can switch nights when Tini stays with me and you, so we can both have full nights of sleep."
"You really don't need to. . ." I watch her as she bounces Tini, stopping the little cries before they turn into loud sobs. "It won't be for too long. I have been talking to realtors, to buy a bigger house. I want enough room for all the kids to have their own space, for you to have yours, for an office and everything we could need.
I haven't started looking yet, but when you're free, we could go together."
My anxiety skyrockets under the scrutiny of her gaze. It feels like years have passed before I hear a soft response, "Okay, I'll let you know when I'm free."
I watch as she moves up the stairs, and enters Valentina's room after a brief knock.
Letting out a quick sigh, I head into my office.
How is it possible for one woman to disrupt everything inside of me, the way she does. I spent almost two years ignoring her, giving her the space she wanted, so why is it so diffucult for me to do it now?
As I try to complete my work the answer to my question comes to me easily. It's because after getting a taste of what it is like to know who Lilliana Campbell is truly - not the fabricated version of her, that she shows to the world - she becomes an addiction.
I want more of who I got to know while we were in Greece, not the woman who continuously feigns smiles and happiness.
I want her to be sad, and scream and break shit down if she needs to, that is who I know she is.
