Lavender | Wakatoshi Ushijima

38 | Supposed To

Disregarding the steps, I leap off the bus. 

"Nakamura, wait!" I catch her shoulder and turn her around. Eyes wide, I rest my hands on her shoulders tightly.

"Is Hana okay?" 

She pants. She's pale, horrified. Her face has lost its colors and her mouth is open, she's shaking.

I feel horrified. I feel horrified and it's my fault I feel this way. It's my fault I'm in this situation. I watch her stutter and stumble on her words before she can mutter,

"She collapsed." My jaw tightens and I think unwinding it will take ages.

I say nothing.

"She-She fell and she forgot to take her pills or something like that. I don't know!" Her eyebrows furrow, eyes welling as she runs a hand through her hair.

Pills. Pills? What pills?

"What pills?" 

"What pills?" I ask again.

"I don't have time to explain. She's in the hospital and she's going to be taken into surgery!"

My heart falls. It starts screaming at the torture it's enduring. I think it's going to stop.

All I can say is no and what and why and lose my composure right there with only my mouth open and my hands to stare at. I took all that time going around in circles, reassuring myself that she'd be fine, thinking of only that tournament that pushed me away from her. This revelation tripped me, it felt like it made me fall exactly where I had erased the marks on the ground. It caught me where I least expected it. And while I've been doing those exercises for instant reactions in volleyball, the real world was so much faster. And in the end, all I could do was mutter as all the dots connected.

The talk about her struggles was ever so shallow. The shift of attention off of her, she was struggling for so long and had to endure so much pain that we only just started to pay attention when it was too late. And while I didn't know exactly what she endured, it must've been hell for her if she was hospitalized because of it. I wished she let it out. Whether it was sadness, or anger at me for being so terrible, I wish she let it go and relieved herself.

I hear a cold voice as I turn my back to leave.

"Where are you going, Ushijima? Are you insane?" Coach Washijo calls.

"I have to go see Hana, Coach. She's been hospitalized."

"If you leave, you'll be benched." Cause and effect. Simple as that.

"I won't leave her behind." I say.

"My decision is final. If you leave, you are not playing. You are leaving your career for this girl?" He doesn't get it.

"Fine."

He begins walking back up the steps of the bus but freezes in his place.

"What? You're serious?"

"I don't care."

The bus' windows are wide open and my teammates are staring. Their heads are practically popping out. They're shocked to see someone stand up to the coach, let alone disobey him.

"A girl for a career. Consider yourself benched, then." He scoffs loudly, arms behind his back.

"Do as you see fit, sir." I refuse to back down.

Nakamura barely tells me which hospital she's in before I take off. I'm familiar with the it. I had been there before, a long time ago. I know where to go. So I run, with all my might and my strength.