Esmeray (Queen of Darkness)

07

I was told to rest today. To think of my mission and only my mission, but I can't just sit around and stare at the wall waiting for the day to pass. Not when my nerves fly around my stomach like a bunch of bat's. Rubbing my collarbone, I pull open my door and walk out into the hall. Training room or dining hall? Left or right? Biting my lip I turn left and follow the floor till I come to the doors of the training room, entering in I ignore the few Phantoms who turn to look at me and instead walk over to a section of the room set up specifically for knife throwing. Lining up my feet with the target I pull my knife out, the one that ended Essie's life, and throw it at the wooden target. Miss. Dammit. Muttering under my breath I walk over to retrieve it and slide it back into its place at my thigh. Sitting cross legged on the floor, by the line marking where to stand, I pick at the laces of my boot and let my mind roll through all the scenarios that are eating me alive.

I could die down there. I could set foot on the ground then be killed either by an animal or a Terran. I could never come back, never get to see Cassian again. He would be left alone with his father and Erebus forever under their influential words, no one would be there to help him. To remind him that he doesn't have to end up like them, that he doesn't need their approval or their praise to be someone great. He can be a king without one of their voices whispering in his ear. Even now I worry that he's been taken over, that without me there to remind him of his own strengths he's fallen into theirs and their thinking, not his own. Not only would my death hinder his mind but his soul. Without me, who will marry him? Who will be his wife, the people's queen? Whoever it is, won't care for him like I do. She will be there for the riches and the power, not to support her king and his health. If I die, Erebus will have what he wants. Control over Cassian, and control over the throne. He will have his power, and all hell will reign down. Which means one thing. I can't die. I have to find Adeena, free her, and return with air still in my lungs. The likelihood that I do both, even one, is slim to none.

Sitting down beside me I turn and look over at the Phantom as they lower their hood and put their hair over one shoulder. White hair. A tainted white hair that makes me feel dirty looking at it. Staring wide eyed at Tesha my mouth falls open and she shakes her head at me.

"How did you?"

"That's not important, Aella. Tell me what you're thinking about."

Sighing I take my hood off and run my fingers through my hair, "All the ways I could fail."

Nodding her head, Tesha sits on her hands and looks off in the distance, "Fearing failure makes you want to succeed."

"Or it will make you not want to try at all."

"True. But in your case you have no choice. You will try. But whether you fail or not, well that's up to you."

Sighing I stand up and pace in front of her, "How is that up to me?"

"In the end, Aella, your choices determine how things are finished."

Choice. There's that word again. Even now that word brings up the dreams that haunt my sleep. Choose wisely, they said. Choose, choice, why do I have to make the decision? Why has that word been pushed in my life? What choices will I make? What choice lies in my future? Why is it so important? Clenching my jaw I pull my knife out and throw it at the target. Why does everything fall on me? Why am I the queen intended? Yanking the knife out of the wood I walk over to the line and throw it again. Why is everyone relying on me? Moving my arm back I release the knife and it spins through the air until it meets its target and stops in the center. Choice, choose, skies I hate that word.

"Stop, Aella." Tesha says and grabs my knife before I can, "don't overwork yourself."

"Overwork myself! I have been overworked all my life! Everyday since I was ten I've been stretched to my limits, beaten into a perfect soldier, restrained by manipulated fears of my trainers and their whips, of the phantom's airless chamber! Don't tell me not to overwork myself Tesha! I already have, and it's too late to stop."