Esmeray (Queen of Darkness)

13

Laying down I curl up under my blankets and stare at the picture hanging from the wall. It looks just like the pond, only it's bigger and more of a vibrant blue. When Damian led me here, giving me my own room, I asked him what it was and he smiled softly before telling me that it's an ocean. Turning over I look up at the ceiling and my mind wanders to the array of flowers and vines over Damians. I miss that purple flower. Groaning, I sit upright and push my covers off. Setting my feet down I walk to the two glass doors and lightly push them open. As I step onto the balcony the cold air meets my skin and my teeth chatter as it surrounds me. Leaning against the railing I close my eyes and wait for the familiar itch against my finger. Once my power stretches far I'm able to feel warm wind against my skin and I call it over and wrap it around myself. Opening my eyes I grin in satisfaction as the warm breeze blows the cold away and I sit down, leaning my back against the wall.

I miss the views from the sky. The stars were so much more clear, so bright, it was the one thing that made living at HE enjoyable. Whenever I felt like I was trapped inside the darkness of that place, I would sneak outside and look up at the stars. I would picture myself turning into one. I would glow and shed the dark that rests inside my chest and fly up to join them. I wanted to be anywhere else, and I looked to the stars for hope. One night, when Cassian came to visit me we laid out on the roof and watched the sky until we could count the constellations. That day I thought that maybe I could love him. That I could love him deeper than just a brother figure. I wanted to, but I couldn't. There was something inside me, that fluttered only lightly against my heart and whispered a delicate no. He wasn't right for me.

Now, I wish I could be back up on that roof with him.

I miss him. Even though he called me a monster, I still do. He helped me escape my reality. He made me believe that I was somewhere else. Now, he's gone. It's just me, and I am alone. There is no one to look at the stars with anymore.

As something cold slips down my cheek I reach up and my fingers brush against the moist drop against my skin. A tear. My tears.

I wish I weren't alone. I wish he were here to tell me that he wouldn't leave. But he's not, and he won't be. He still hates me.

Shaking my head I stand up and walk back inside. Falling into my bed I curl up under the blankets and shut my eyes.

Sleep will ease my pain.

~~~

I don't want to wake up. I don't want to face the world. But I know I have too. After all this is the day the king addresses his people. About me. It's "my day" to quote Alexander. I don't want it to be. They won't see me, they'll see the faces of the loved ones they lost by Aura. Death and grief will be heavy today, but worst of all. Anger.

When I was told of what was happening today, I refused instantly. I told them no, but Damian was able to talk me down. He told me that his people would listen to reason, but I don't believe it. People are the same. No matter they're blood, or they're power, we are the same. We all have the same thoughts, the same emotions.

Damian doesn't understand that. But I do. I can feel it too.

Pushing my blankets off I run my hand through my hair and pull it two one side. I need a bath. Grumbling under my breath I double check that the door is locked before walking into the bathing room and dumping the buckets of water, one of the maids left for me last night, into the large tub. Once the water is still I strip my clothes off and sink into the water. I always liked bathing. It gave me a chance to rest. Think. Back at HE when it was time for me to clean I would sit and let myself relax. The water would ease my muscles and it would ease my mind. Now it just feels cold. Reminds me of how alone I am down here. I can't hear the voices of the other girls at HE, and I can't hear the chuckles of the boys on the other side of the wall.