The Pogue Life || JJ Maybank

Not hard enough...

"Welcome to crackhead wasteland," Sarah says as we drive up to Barry's house (if you can even call it a house).

The place is a dump, there's trash everywhere and the building looks like it needs some serious repairs. None of us really know why JJ is bringing us here, and none of us have a whole lot of energy to pester him for answers. I'm still sitting against the back of the van with my knees hugged to my chest. My mind is a mess of questions, guilt and fear. I'm questioning how much I really want to be involved in this treasure hunt and why I'm involved in it in the first place, since it isn't really for the money since I don't need that. I feel guilty for the thought of tapping out and what that might mean for my friendships, not to mention my relationship with JJ. I'm afraid of the repercussions of beating up this Barry guy, having broken into a crazy old lady's house and every other stupid thing we've done. I'm terrified to keep going down the path we're going down, but I'm even more terrified of what happens if I try to get off it. I don't want to lose these guys, but I'm not sure that what we're doing is really a good idea anymore.

I'm so in my own head I barely notice when we pull up and JJ gets out of the car. Barely. I do look up to see JJ strutting toward the front door. Kiara slides open the side door of the van so we can talk to him, and most likely also for a little extra air flow. John B opens his door and sits sideways, calling out asking him what he's doing.

JJ only reply is "yo soy justicia."

"Did you glean anything from that?" Pope asks as JJ enters Barry's house.

"You know somebody should probably..." Kiara starts.

"Yeah, I got it," John B says, following JJ into the house.

Pope slides back toward me, slinging an arm around me and asking if I'm okay. I don't know how to respond so I just shrug. I'm alive, but okay? I'm not so sure. Images of that gun aimed at our heads, with Barry's finger over the trigger, are flashing through my mind non-stop, along with a million other thoughts. Except, now, I've got an added guilt of feeling like I should've been the one to go after JJ, yet I'm basically paralysed where I am and even though I know I still could, my body is refusing to make any moves to do so.

"We're safe now," Pope promises, "but it's okay to not know how to feel right now."

"I should... um," I gesture toward the house, trying to drag myself up off the floor. My body doesn't seem to want to co-operate, however.

Pope helps me to my feet and together, the four of us pile out of the van. We hesitate, waiting outside the house, just lingering. I should go in, but right now, I can't. Sarah pulls me in for a hug, and I bury my head in her shoulder, groaning in frustration. JJ finally stumbles out of the house, holding a big duffle bag. The tension between him and John B, who follows shortly after (yet empty-handed, thankfully) is thick enough that Kiara comes up on the other side of me and I end up holding hands with both the girls.

JJ starts talking about reparations for Barry putting us through that, and none of us really know what to say. I stand there dumbfounded, I didn't expect JJ to actually rob someone. Even Barry.

"So that's what we're doing now? Robbing drug dealers?" Kie asks.

"This Barry guy is gonna find out and he's gonna come after us," Sarah adds.

JJ looks between the two of them, before looking to me. I don't know what to say to him, so I don't let my eyes meet his gaze, I drop them to the ground, shuffling my feet anxiously. I know how I would normally react. I'd be giving him a lecture right now, but this time my brain is scrambled, my morals are up in the air and I still have the awful sick feeling I've had since the moment I saw that gun pointed at John B's head.