After enduring a grueling and emotionally draining flight, all I desperately yearn to do is toss my heavy belongings into the new room and collapse onto the soft comfort of my bed.
I gaze out of the cab window, worn out yet thrilled to be in this long-awaited country, I can't help but dream about it.
As a foreigner here for work, certain obstacles come with immigration: visas, paperwork at government offices, and registering with community centers.
"You appear quite exhausted young lady; what made your journey from your homeland?" The compassionate taxi driver queries using slow language.
I feel a sense of exhilaration and amazement as I gaze at the towering skyscrapers, which are vastly dissimilar to what I was accustomed to seeing in my rural hometown.
The flurry of vehicles whizzing past us made it difficult for me to keep track of all the buildings, and as a result, feelings of excitement and being overwhelmed consumed me. Despite my attempts to count them all, their sheer number seemed endless.
"I came here to make a new experience" I divulge with limited language skills as if learning anew like a child.
As I observe him, his hair is slicked back with a shiny gel that has become somewhat crusted. There are wrinkles surrounding his almond-shaped eyes, which reflect the wisdom acquired from years of experience. With dry hands guiding the steering wheel, he expertly navigates the car toward my intended location, carefully listening to my not-so-interesting story.
"Thus far, life has been nothing short of disillusionment and betrayal. Maybe starting over from scratch surrounded by different people will fix everything."
The elderly man chuckles at my response leaving me pondering over it, contemplating whether or not taking such drastic actions was worth it.
Can I handle this on my own?
Lately, I have been feeling an immense weight on my shoulders that seems to be dragging me down.
My mind is constantly plagued with self-doubt and insecurity about whether or not I am capable of handling things around me, as if there's a nagging voice inside my head that keeps telling me that I'm just not good enough.
These feelings of inadequacy are incredibly overwhelming at times, making it difficult for me to focus on anything else, it feels like no matter what task lies ahead of me, be it big or small, there's always this fear in the back of my mind that tells me I'll never be able to do it justice.
I find myself questioning every decision I make and worrying incessantly about the consequences they might bring; this constant state of anxiety has left me feeling drained both mentally and emotionally, but despite all these negative thoughts consuming my mind, however, deep down somewhere within myself still lies a flicker of hope.
Those doubts are racing through my mind as I step out of the driver's car, lugging my heavy luggage behind me. The building in front of me seems to loom over my small, shivering frame.
The biting December cold wind sends chills down my spine while a sudden twinge in my stomach feels like a weight on top of me.
As soon as I enter, one of my roommates greets me warmly with an enthusiastic "Hi! You must be Y/n! Please make yourself at home!" It catches me off guard - not what I expected.
The petite woman standing before me appeared almost fragile in comparison to my stature. Her luxurious, ebony tresses cascaded gracefully down her shoulders as she warmly welcomed me with a smile that seemed to reveal fragments of her personal narrative.
But once inside, it becomes clear that things are far from perfect: there is dirt everywhere, including the kitchen which has a grimy gas stove covered with oil and fat. And don't even get started on the humid bathroom...
This isn't anything like what was promised by the owner; already regret seeps into every pore after realizing how I left my loved ones behind just to try and sort out issues from my past.
"Hey Mom, I made it to my new apartment!" I try to sound upbeat but a hint of disappointment creeps in.
"That's fantastic sweetie," her voice beams with love and concern for me being so far away from home. "How is the place? Do you like it?"
"Mom, it's awesome! I'm enjoying myself."
There is a brief pause before she asks softly, "Sweetheart, are you sure everything is okay?"
I can feel the warmth and affection emanating from her as if it was tangible. There's no need for me to articulate what's weighing on my heart; mothers possess an innate intuition when it comes to their children - they always seem to sense when things aren't quite right.
My heart suddenly ached as I told my mom about the scam. With no other reason to give, I shared the truth with her. "...but don't worry, Mom! You know how strong and capable I am!"
Although deep down, it was clear that these words were meant more for me than anyone else - an attempt to ease my own worries.
I feel an overwhelming sense of pain deep within my being, a soul-crushing weight of regret that bears down upon me. My stomach churns with the intensity of this emotion and I cannot help but succumb to the depths of despair. A constant barrage of worries endlessly plagues my thoughts, causing a dull ache in my head that never seems to dissipate.
After the disappointment of seeing my new rusty apartment, I felt deeply hurt and emotionally drained.
Deciding to take a break for the rest of the day, I tried to catch up on some much-needed sleep in hopes of rejuvenating myself for tomorrow.
However, despite trying to relax, my mum's loving tone continued to echo inside my head, intensifying the ache in my heart even more.
