Behind Closed Doors

'Alex Was Gone. Maybe For Good?'

The tissues were waiting. Glaring at the blank television screen, Piper inhaled sharply between her teeth, and tried to keep herself as calm as possible. In her raging state, she couldn't speak. She couldn't tell Polly what a mess she had made. Not only had she cheated on Larry with a woman she barely knew, but she had also slept with a woman who was already involved. A woman who was a drug dealer, a criminal and a fucking tuberculosis patient. Her patient. A woman she treated herself.

Before arriving at Polly's, Piper ran through her mind what she could say, and if she should say anything at all. Juliet's confrontation had triggered something. Whatever this something was, it made Piper feel like shit. It nearly made her want to burst into tears. What had she done? What was going on? Did Alex know her girlfriend had approached her? Was Alex even aware that Juliet was keen to commit to their dwindling relationship?

What did Alex know? And how much had she told Piper? She said her relationship with Juliet was complicated. What the fuck did that mean? Complicated, as in they only used each other for sex? Complicated, as in it was an open relationship? Complicated, as in they were considering on ending what they had? Or complicated, as in they loved each other, and found it hard to let each other go, even when it had been established their relationship wasn't going to work?

Damn it. Fuck. If Juliet wasn't nice, if Juliet hadn't provided good reasons for Piper to stay away, then maybe Piper wouldn't be this angry. Maybe Piper wouldn't be this upset. Because she could say what she damn well wished about Alex. She could curse her, speak unkindly about her, spread rumours about her, she could be an absolute bitch when it came to Alex Vause, but the heavy truth remained. Piper liked her.

A lot.

So much so, she found it hard to take a step back. She found it hard to not want to find Alex, punch her in the fucking jaw and demand what the hell was going on between them. What was Piper? Just another one-night stand? Another stupid, pathetic, straight girl who wanted to know what it was like to be fucked by another girl? Just a plaything for Alex to enjoy? Did Alex even like her? Fuck. Oh, fuck. Piper leaned back into the sofa. Oh, God. What if Alex did like her?

It was disgusting that the only person she could think about was Alex. She hadn't even given Larry a second thought. Larry Bloom, the love of her life, who was trying so fucking hard to find a job with a decent pay. To offer Piper a secure, happy marriage, with the potential of children, a house, white picket fence and garden. A dream.
Before, that was what Piper wanted. What she thought she needed. Her mother's constant nagging and ideals had started to rub off on her. Maybe a house, garden and white picket fence wasn't everything after all. Maybe a husband wasn't everything after all.

Maybe Piper was just better off alone.

Maybe Piper was just better off with Alex.

One day, Larry would discover what happened. Affairs always got out. And even if Piper never met Alex again, even if she married Larry, he would still discover the affair. He would still be hurt, tremendously. He would still look at her and think, "This is the woman I loved, who betrayed me. Who cheated on me." In Piper's mind, nothing was worse than being unfaithful in a relationship. Especially in a marriage. She didn't want to be a cheater, she didn't want to be unsure...she wanted to be loyal, perfect. Everything impossible.

Piper had spent the majority of her life wishing to please her mother. And, now, her achievements and successes were going to waste.

Yet no matter how much guilt she suffered, how much shame and anger, Alex would never leave her head. Alex was usually, if not always, constantly on her mind. Be it as a patient, a friend or something much more. This wasn't a crush, this wasn't an admiration or anything of the sort. It was worse. How Piper felt about Alex was confusing.