Behind Closed Doors

'I Listen To You Too Much I Think'

A doctor must never feel guilty.

Never.

That was the first rule Piper was told. Avoid guilt. Guilt was fatal. Guilt completely destroyed a doctor's career, and life. The patient's death was usually out of a doctor's hands. Sometimes, the patient's death was unavoidable. Sometimes, the patient's death was simply meant to be. It was their time. And that was not the doctor's fault. The doctor could give the patient the correct medical treatment, provide appropriate surgeries, offer them as much time as possible to recover, but, at the end of the day, it all came down to chance; fate.

When a doctor fell down, they had to get back up again. They had to each and every time.

Yet there had been cases when doctors couldn't find their feet again. They hung their cape, walked away, and never looked back. Piper didn't want to be that doctor. She wanted to be able to cope. She wanted to be the best. Medicine was competitive. There were enemies and rivals everywhere. Piper loved the competition, and drank it all in greedily. She refused to let a patient get to her, because she thought she was better than that. She thought she could be more, she thought she could be cold, detached. Everything she wasn't, she wanted to be.

Alex was dying.

The truth was heavy on Piper's shoulders. Weighed her down, broke her bones. She had missed this crucial fact, she had skimmed through Alex's medical history, she rushed. She didn't consider heart failure, blood pressure. Looking at her now, Piper thought this was her fault. She had hurt Alex by turning her away. It couldn't be coincidence that Alex was admitted to hospital a few weeks later due to heart failure.

Guilt.

The worst, most ugly emotion. Piper was trembling, clinging to Alex's chart so tightly she was hurting herself. There was nothing she could say. All words had been pulled out of her; she was useless. Helpless. Utterly pathetic as she stood there, watching Doctor Healy advise Alex on the risks of moving around, and that surgery was necessary in order for her to keep living. Alex was being intolerable, irrational, but she was angry. Upset even.

Disappointed in herself. Piper had no idea what it was like, what Alex was suffering in that isolated room. The woman couldn't even reach the damn staircase, let alone climb it. If those nurses hadn't found her, there was no knowing what would have happened.

Alex was overtired. Piper could barely recognise her. She was awfully pale, and her heart pace was spontaneous at times, rising and falling. She was thinner; no appetite, cheekbones protruding whenever she spoke. Despite all this, her eyes reflected her fury, impatience. Alex hated being told what to do, especially by a doctor. Especially by Piper.

'What's the point of me staying in here if you're not doing anything? I've been lying in this fucking bed for half a week, and all I've had is fucking nurses coming in every now and again, checking my stats and all of that shit. I'm not gonna waste whatever little life I have left in this fucked up place!'

'Fine,' Healy growled. 'You go ahead. Leave. But, I bet you will have collapsed by the time you reached the exit.'

'Is that a fucking challenge? Cos I accept. I really fucking do. If you would just let me go.'

'I don't know if you've figured this out yet, but you can't go anywhere. Movement is causing too much strain to your heart, and I am recommending you accept a pacemaker. The surgery is roughly an hour long; you won't feel any pain Alex.'

'Fuck, how many more things do you need to do to me?! I'm fed up. I'm fed up with all of this crap. I don't want to be here anymore. I've been given hundreds of fucking treatments and surgeries so I can benormal like everyone else. Guess what? It ain't working like it used to.'