Professor, Professor || BWAM

the thirty-seventh

ZAAIN

9140 Norum Rd, Delta, BC V4C 3J1

3:54 am

13th of October 2019

"I'm really tired, okay? I'm tired of tip-toeing around my mom, I'm tired of the stupid rules and regulations. I want something real! I want something that I can actually talk to other people about."

My eyes begin to smart with tears, "We have something good going here. Don't you think so, Miss Selassie?"

"Enough with the stupid fucking formalities! Call me by my first name! "Say it! Please, please just say it. It drives me insane when you call me Ms. Selassie. It quite literally churns my stomach."

I look into her eyes. They're so deep for others but they're so empty for me,"But... the rules. You said-"

"Fuck the rules! Fuck them! You know what?" she opens a drawer, then another and fishes out our agreement, "Fuck this goddamn piece of paper." she throws it flagrantly into the open fire of the fireplace.

"What are you doing?" I exclaim. I grab the fire poker and fish it out, blowing the nascent flames off as if it were a marshmallow over a campfire.

"Are you fucking serious right now? You saved a goddamn piece of paper so you wouldn't have to say my name? What the actual fuck is wrong with you?"

Her careless tone and lack of understanding alone could make me weep, "It's not the fucking paper, it's us. That paper is the only insurance I have to stay with you. When I follow the rules, you stay with me, you love me... you want me when I follow them."

"And what if I don't want you anymore?"

I feel like I've taken a blow directly to my windpipe, "What?" it comes out warbly and distorted and I hate how weak I sound.

"I don't think I can do this anymore. This has gotten way out of both of our hands."

"You're joking...tell me you are joking!"

"Zaain, don't-"

I take a deep breath to calm myself before continuing,"You- you made me into this—this groveling, worthless shell of a man. You molded me into what you wanted me to be. Who will love me now if not you?"

She looked at me with such pity and I fucking hated it. She looked at me like something that could be loved but that she could never be in love with. "You're a smart man, Zaain. I'm sure you'll figure it out."

She's so careless! How can she be so careless now? Did she change or has she always been like this. I don't want to believe the latter but I'm almost left with no choice.

"Why are you throwing me out as if I was the problem, as if I was the catalyst that tore us apart. Yes, I've made mistakes, I know that, but I also try to fix them– rectify them." My breath caught in my chest and my throat closed,"Who are you?" I whispered, "What are you? Did you ever even love me?"

She shook her head at me, "I'm not doing this. You need to go."

I don't recognize this cold girl in front of me. She's a stranger, an indifferent stranger. Nonetheless, I take her hand in mine and look her in the eyes, "Ornella...my Ornella." I cup her hand to my cheek and a lone tear of mine rolls down her palm, "I did so much for you. I want to be so much with you. I have so many plans. Real plans. Please, don't hurt me anymore."

She wrenches her hand away and opens the door, "Leave, Zaain."

The gaping space of the door is reminiscent of the chasm I felt in my chest. Out of a moment of irrational desperation, I grab her by the arms and pull her in, "Was what I did so bad?" she looks up at me innocently with puddles for eyes and for a split second we click and I see her reconsider, flipping through a possible alternative scenario.