Juliet
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"Why are you telling me this?" I asked, my voice sounded like I felt, sort of breath and like I was about to throw up.
"Because people keep telling you he's different, but I just think you need to hear this to understand how different he was as The Winter Soldier." She said, her voice hard but not uncaring.
"I do get it you know, logically I do understand they're different people, technically." I looked up at her, trying to make her understand so she wouldn't keep talking, wouldn't keep making me feel sorry for the monster that tortured me for years.
"Then, why?" She questioned, frowning at me.
"It's more my brain can't get that he isn't still that person, I get he wasn't born that way, that he didn't, choose to do those things, but I just can't understand how he still isn't that person, how he what, just one day snapped out of it?" I sat back against the sofa, trying to calm myself down.
I grabbed my coffee, taking a sip, more for something to do than actual need.
"You mean the same way you and Yelena just one day snapped out of being a Widow?" She asked, skeptical.
I shook my head, no, that was different. It was different.
"You know I can't just read your thoughts, but I can read your face. It's different in so many ways, but why can you and Yelena and all the other widows be snapped out of it suddenly in the space of minutes, but Bucky can't be?" She asked.
"You can't read my mind?" I questioned, thrown more by that fact than anything else she'd said in the last ten minutes.
"Well, I can, I just, don't." She smiled gently at me.
"So, you, wait, what?" I frowned at her, so confused.
She rolled her eyes, "Everyone has a natural and unconscious barrier in their mind, a shield against your thoughts just leaking out, nobody knows it's there but everyone has it. Well, most people have it. Unless I actively try to read your mind, push passed that barrier, which I can, I don't know what you're thinking." She shrugged, "There are exceptions to the rule of course. Bucky, his mind has been so broken down and ruined over the years, they wiped his mind after every mission, any time they saw even a spark of Bucky coming back, they'd wipe it all down to the base of just the solider, just his orders, just those words keeping him prisoner. His shield is non-existent without him constantly thinking about it. He has to work to keep it up."
That was actually so sad, not something I wanted to ever know. "Does he- does he know that?" I asked, gulping as my mouth went dry.
She nodded, her face thoughtful, "He tries his hardest, but it's not an easy thing for someone to do, constantly think about blocking their thoughts. It's easier for him when he's happy." The way she said it, it didn't seem to be a regular occurrence that he was happy. Good.
Fuck, okay, it wasn't good. I shifted uncomfortably on the sofa, I didn't like the feelings she was making me feel, the guilt and sadness over him, I didn't want it, he didn't deserve it from me.
"I know what you said to him last night Juliet." She said, her eyes sharp, not missing a movement or facial expression from myself.
"I-" She cut me off with a shake of her head.
"Look, I know you were just trying to hurt him, I know you don't really mean it, but if you keep dragging him down like that, if you say anything like that to him again, Camila or no, I will give you over to Shield." Her voice didn't match her words. She said it so soft and kindly, she meant every word though, I could tell she wouldn't hesitate.
