365 Days

133

133

My phone rings. My heart races. All I can think of is Alex Alex Alex.

It's not Alex.

I don't want to talk to anyone. Then again, he might know where Alex is. I pick up.

"Dakota?"

I manage to choke out a hi, but it sounds strangled. Does he know already?

"He ended up here." Luke says. He does know then. "He's torn up."

"I'm a terrible person." I can't say anything else. I cant think about anything else. I deserve this. Alex doesn't. I'm a horrible person.

"You're not. Don't think that, Dakota. Alex doesn't think that either."

Then what does he think? My lips curl around the words but the lump in my throat doesn't let me say it. 

"He needs some time to process it."

I don't have time.

"I'm not sure how long."

I can't speak. I don't have long. I have less than 5 months. Will I not see Alex again? 

"Are you okay?" 

No.

No.

No.

I'm not okay. 

Not at all.

I have to get out of here. I can't be here when everything reminds me of Alex. 

"No." I hang up. 

Where can I go? Where can I go? 

I scramble to my cupboard and get a duffel bag, throwing clothes in it in a blur. My hands are finding summer clothes and now I know where I'm going. 

Mackay. 

I get on my laptop to where the Before I Die To Do list is still up. 

I can't breathe. 

I rasp in air as I book a ticket to Queensland with part of my savings. The flight leaves in two hours and just my luck, the door opens downstairs. 

I print off the ticket and rush down the stairs. Mums taking off her jacket but stops midway when she sees me. 

"Dakota? What happened?" 

"Alex," is what I manage to choke out. Her expression changes to one of understanding and she puts her coat back on, grabbing her keys off the hook. 

"Where to?"

"Mackay." 

Her eyes flick to the paper in my hands and she nods, pulling her phone out of her pocket as we walk to the car. 

"Hi Levi, it's Aunty Allison. Dakota is heading up to you guys. Could you collect her from the airport at-" she gestures to me to show the ticket. She scans over it, starting the car. "8pm?"

Levi says something from the other end of the phone and Mum shoots me a wary look. "Um..."

I mouth the words 'I'll tell him later' and sink back into the seat, letting my eyes fall shut. 

"I'll leave that to her to explain. Thanks for that Levi. Yes, okay. Bye."

On the main road Mum squeezes my hand with a sympathetic expression. "Oh, honey." 

We get to the airport in time to check in where Mum says goodbye. 

"Will you be okay?" 

I tuck a strand of hair behind my ear, looking down. "I hope so." 

"Do you want me to wait with you?" 

I shake my head. I'd rather be alone. 

"Alright. Let me know when you get there and when you want to come home."

I nod and hug her, willing myself to not crumble. There are too many people around to see. I take deep breaths to calm myself.

"I love you," she says into my hair. I wince away from her words but hide it behind a small smile.

"You too," is all I manage and then we part ways.

I get to Queensland in jeans and a t-shirt. It's summer. It's Queensland. What am I thinking?

Alex. Alex. Alex.

I don't have to wait around at baggage claim because my bag was small enough for carry on, so I race to the bathrooms and get into shorts, a t-shirt and some sandals, leaving the sweat with the Victorian clothes stashed in my backpack. It doesn't match at all but it doesn't have to. I'm just seeing Levi.

He's standing by the pillar Nanna was when she picked us up for Georgia's wedding. When Alex was with us.

Far out. I can't even escape him here. 

As soon as Levi sees me he's worried and walks to meet me.

"What happened?" He pulls me into a hug and I feel like I can breathe again. This was the right choice, to come to Mackay. 

"Later."

"Food?" He asks instead, letting the matter drop despite the worry still carved into his eyes. 

I don't realise how hungry I am until now. My stomach is empty. "Please."

We go down to Levi's car and drive to Maccas, going through the drive through and then heading to the beach. Sweat is beading at the nape of my neck even though the air conditioning is on. We sit on a towel on the hot sand and look around the beach. There are only a few other drifters, mostly our age because no one else is ever out after sunset up here.

I finish the food and dispose of the trash, my hunger sated. 

And then I remember why I'm here, in a different state, and my eyes start to tear up again. 

God damn it, Dakota. Get it together.

Levi sits beside me quietly, calculating, before asking; "What happened with Alex?" 

Smart boy. 

"He told me he loves me," I mumble, sniffling. I look at my hands like they're the most interesting things in the world.

"Isn't that a good thing?"

"And then I told him I'm dying." 

"Oh."

"Yeah." I roughly wipe the tears off my cheeks and stare out at the ocean, the moonlight bouncing off it. 

"What did he say?"

I try to think back to the event I've been blocking out for the afternoon.

"No.No. No."

"No."

"When did you find out?"

"You didn't tell me."

"No."

"You can't apologize for breaking my heart."

"He said 'no' a lot. And then I apologised and he said-" a strangled sound comes from my throat. "He said that I can't apologise for breaking his heart."

"And then he left?" 

"And then he left." 

"Shit. That's shit, Dakota."

"Yeah." Now that I've started talking I don't seem to want to stop. "And then afterwards Luke, you know Luke, yeah, he called me and said Alex went to him and is torn up and that he needs some time. I don't have time, Levi. I have 5 months and that's it. What if I don't see him again? What if he doesn't talk to me? I-" I take a sharp breath. "I just don't know what to do." 

He's quiet, thinking, but I have one more thing to say.

"I may have broken his heart. But he broke mine, too."