Four x Reader (Insurgent)

Thirteen - "See you later, Four."

TW SUICIDAL THOUGHTS

We all watch as Tris rises from the chair, stumbling slightly. I look at Christina as her hands ball into fists, and her eyes fill with tears, yet she doesn't begin to cry. I like to think I know Christina, she never seemed like the kind of person who would cry in front of so many people, she was probably waiting until the majority left, and Tris could see how much her choice truly affected Christina.

"I got our weapons back." Tobias held out my gun, I falter for a moment, not knowing why, before grabbing it and placing it into jeans. I watch as Tris begins to make her way over to us.

"We should go." Christina would want to talk to Tris, or yell, something. But I doubt she would want a live audience to watch.

"I need to give Tris her knife back." I sigh and shake my head.

"Leave it here, but we should go."

"You aren't going to wait for her?" I admit, another reason I wanted to leave with Tobias was to talk about what he said in the chair, about me being the reason he never left Dauntless and stopped him from doing who-knows-what else, but I was no longer thinking about that. I have never been a jealous person, but something about how they have been acting together lately is making me feel nauseous.

"No, I want to talk to you." I cross my arms.

"We can leave when I give Tris her knife."

"What is so important that you have to give it to her directly?" I stop before I start saying more things, I am unable to create a coherent thought and I would hate to hear what would spew out of my mouth, especially if it is something I'm scared of admitting... or realising. "Doesn't matter." I began to follow Candor out.

"Y/n-"

"It doesn't matter." I was getting sick of this. Isn't there meant to be a honeymoon period? Where everything is great and arguments are never a thing, ours must have only been a few days, since then... everything has been a argument. As I walk towards the sleeping arrangements I try to stop my mind from running, I start imagining that he didn't feel relief from the serum when he said my name, and wanted to say another's, the next sense of relief was when he told the truth on the next question.

He has kept so much from me, and yet he knows almost everything about me, maybe he does know everything... I can't remember. I arrive at the end of the hallway and see three cots, one by itself and two together. Out of spite I want to take the single one, but I'm scared to what I would find in the morning if I did. I lie down on the one closest to the wall, keeping my back to the rest of the hallway. And I don't know why, but tears start streaming down my face. I have no reason to cry, and I make no noise, but I continue crying. More thoughts plague my mind and I still can't tell what I am crying over, they're all so jumbled.

I hate this.... I hate this. He doesn't love me, I'm the one he chose because he couldn't get his first choice. He never listens, when was the last time we properly talked? Not a talk that ended horribly and made us think about what we were gonna have to do to survive, but a talk where our relationship got better for it. Was talking about his mom a good one? Surely not, we finished with knowing we might have to join the factionless cause they could fuck us over if we didn't.

I want to die.

I continue to cry, being scared of my own thoughts. I don't want to die, do I? There is no reason as to why I would, everything is just a small issue. But isn't that the issue? There is no big problem it's just continuous little ones, and they slowly plague my days more and more and they work their way into my heart and my thought process.

I'm no longer the same person I was at the choosing ceremony, I'm not the same person I was when I walked into that test room. I might have had a horrible time in Amity but never once did I want to die, cause it was the same big problem every single time, it got easier to deal with. How do you deal with tiny problems that keep flying at you like tiny fleas that are too small to ping off?