Four x Reader (Insurgent)

Sixteen - "But aren't they reason enough?"

I clasped my hands together, resting them on my legs as I sat on the stone bench. Everything was cold, but I had no goosebumps on my skin, I looked up and down the room I sat in. If it wasn't for the small sticks on fire, hanging on small pillars, the room would be black. The middle of the room was, but I could see a small flicker, far away from me. Must be where the room ends.

I had a small feeling to walk, walk until I was met with something different. But I also knew that if I walked, I wasn't getting out, nothing would change, and I wouldn't meet an end wall. I looked down at my stomach, something was off, like something should be there but wasn't. Another thing that confused me was that I had no shadow, as if I didn't have a body. But how could that be? I was sitting, wasn't I? I'm holding my hands. I can feel my legs.

But the more I thought about it, the more I realised I wasn't doing any of those things. It all felt like a far off dream. Like I was almost doing these things, but I couldn't quite close the small gap. I watched as the small flicker of fire began to get bigger, as if urging to be noticed, as if it wanted me to go to it.

But I refused. I don't know how, but I knew that if I went to it, I was giving up something. I don't know what I was giving up, but I knew it was something important. I didn't move my head as I heard clicking of heels walking towards me.

"You should go to it y'know?" I looked over, a woman standing there. I couldn't make out what she looked like, as if my eyes or mind were giving out. But I recognised the voice, but it sounded so distant, as if I haven't heard it in a while.

"Why? What will it do?" Even my own voice sounded distant. As if my ears weren't working like they should. As if... I was going deaf. I thought about how everything wasn't wanting to work.

"It will help you, sitting on this bench," she waved her hand towards said bench. "It won't help. You will sit here, and slowly, if you haven't already noticed, stop working properly. And you will be stuck. That light," she sat beside me. "It will take everything away, in a blink of an eye, you won't have to sit afraid, feeling your body decaying-"

"I'm dying, aren't I?" The woman sighed and nodded. "I'm not meant to be dying, I'm too young, I've got too much to do."

"A lot of people think that, but when you die... you're meant to." I shook my head.

"I'm not dead, I'm dying. I'm not meant to die yet." We stayed quiet. A twisting feeling coming from my stomach. I looked down and saw a red stain on my clothes.

"You've been sitting here for too long, that bullet wound will come back, and you will be in much more pain. Out there, you are numbed, your body is doing it's best to survive, in here... your body has given up. You will feel everything you are meant to, the blood loss, the burning pain, your organs shutting down!" I sat silent. "Go to the fire Y/n. You'll thank me for it."

"Can't thank you if I'm dead."

"What makes you think you'll get out of here? How many times have you been close to death, about to die? And yet this is the first time you are here. There is nothing left for you! Nothing left for you to do." I looked at the woman, my determination to stay on the bench not dwindling.

"Tell me," I placed my hand on my leg and turned slightly. "If I go to that fire, everything will be over. No chance of me waking up. If I stay here, is there a chance I pull through?"

"It's very slim, I-"

"That's all I needed to hear." I made myself as comfortable as I could and stayed sat.

"What do you think will happen when you go back? You'll live? You're surrounded by Dauntless, people who are waiting to kill you. When you go back you won't be dying, you'll be dead. That's a certain guarantee." I shake my head.

"You don't know that."

"Yes I do, it happens every time, people are in a dying state for a reason, Y/n! And most of the time that reason hasn't left, and refuses to leave. You could go back, get shot in the head, dead. Your wounds will take over, dead. Maybe you could live for a short while, but is your body in a position to fight?"

"I don't want to die-"

"Don't you?" I stopped and looked back at the woman. Wanting more than anything to be able to see her face and to know why her voice was so familiar. "You standing on that window, that was you not wanting to die? You having to give yourself reasons to live, as if the very thought of living wasn't enough?" I looked down at my legs, trying my best to ignore the blood that had begun to drip to the floor. "Something has been missing since that night in the control room, your will. And this place can feel that, your body can feel that, you can feel that. Maybe you don't want to die, but are you willing to live?"

She was right. I didn't want to die, because I was scared of dying, not knowing the things I could miss, not knowing the things I could have prevented, the deaths I could prevent. But was I willing to live? Not survive, live. There was something inside of me, telling me that surviving was living and I am nothing if not a survivor, but living wasn't only about staying alive, it was doing everything in my power to be happy with the life I have led. To not say 'no' when the chance to die appeared, to be ready to die.

Could I really do that? Could I, Y/n L/n, former Amity and Dauntless, now Factionless, say that I have lived. That I am happy with all that I have done, that there is nothing left for me to do? No, I couldn't. But was there ever going to be a chance for me to do anything, or was I going to be stuck in the constant circle of survive and die.

"Have you got anything to live for?" My heart felt like it had skipped a beat. Nothing felt real anymore. My relationship with Four didn't even feel enough to get me out of this ditch...

"No." I answered truthfully. "But I still have things to do, people to talk to! Things that could give me a reason to live." I felt my eyes well up. "I don't want to be killed by Eric, I don't want to let him laugh over my dead body because he won. I want to fix all of my relationships, I want to fight until I die, not bleed out. I want to kill Eric, and be the one left standing, I want to kill Evelyn and see how her Factionless nobodies help her then." I look back the woman. "It might be revenge, grudges, horrible reasons," I smirk. "But aren't they reason enough?"

The woman sighed, my stomach stopped hurting and my body was feeling real again. I wanted to ask who she was, but it didn't matter, she was a figment of my imagination, a worse version of me, a version that had given up so long ago.

I blinked and the room and the woman were gone. All that was left was the aching feeling in my stomach, and the look of a relived Tris.

1334 words. A short chapter today since I didn't feel like writing but I wanted to get something out before I went on holiday. Hope you are all having a great time.