I am Here

Chapter 3 Anguish

Wei Ying's heart is breaking. He feels like he can't breathe. He wants to scream but no sound will pass his lips. His head and heart feels like it will explode any moment. His anguishing thoughts are slowly strangling him.

He curls himself in a ball hugging himself, silent tears rolling down his face to the floor. Then without warning Wei Ying passes out on the cold, hard floor.

This is how Lan Zhan finds his beloved when he finally returns home. Lan Zhan dropped what he was carrying and ran to his husband. He had almost stopped breathing himself "What could have happened?" he thought. He screamed Wei Ying's name and gathered him in his arms. He smoothed his hair away from his face with trembling hands. Then he stopped suddenly. On Wei Ying's face were dried tear tracks and his lips were swollen and bleeding where he had bitten them.

Lan Zhan bitterly thought "He probably bit his own lips so he wouldn't cry out and so no one could hear him, Oh my God, forgive me".

Lan Zhan brought him closer to his chest and fully encircled him in his arms.

"Forgive me, Forgive me" as he rocks his husband in his arms like a child. Suddenly Wei Ying grabs Lan Zhan's robes and wails "Don't leave me. Please don't make me go away from you. I will try harder to be a better husband. Please don't stop loving me."

His eyes are still closed. He is still trapped in his mind in a world without Lan Zhan. He would rather die than not be with Lan Zhan. Lan Zhan's heart breaks hearing the words coming from Wei Ying's bleeding, swollen lips. He continues to rock Wei Ying telling him over and over again "I am here, you are my life. I will never not want you and I will never leave you."

But Wei Ying's mind is in turmoil and he can't hear anything but his own cries and thoughts.

So Lan Zhan does the only thing he can think of in his panic to break his beloved from wherever he is. He must make Wei Ying feel his love for him. He rises with Wei Ying in his arms and lays him down in their bed and removes his robes. Lan Zhan also removes his own robes and pulls Wei Ying over to him. He runs his hands slowly over Wei Ying's body while kissing him everywhere he knows Wei Ying especially loves. He whispers "Come back to me my love, I will never let you go. Not in this lifetime or any other lifetime."

Finally Wei Ying's eyes slowly open. Silver eyes stare deeply into amber eyes. In barely a whisper he says "You are here. I thought you didn't want or love me anymore."

Wei Ying looks down, he doesn't want Lan Zhan to see his tears. Lan Zhan cups his face and says "I am here, I will always be here, forever."

Even though Wei Ying hears him, he needs Lan Zhan to prove his love. His brain and his heart is demanding proof of this undying love. Deep down he knows Lan Zhan loves him but deeper still is a tiny voice that is becoming louder and louder.

"You are not enough!! You will never be good enough!!