I am Here

Chapter 8 Lan Chen

Lan Chen stands in front of chest, his breath quickens and his heart is racing. He hasn't opened or seen this chest in years, it still pains him.

He runs the tips of his fingers lightly across the top. Inside are things from his past life, things he had made himself forget. Things he never showed his lover and things from their life together. From the day his lover passed he has never opened the chest again, till now.

Even now after all these years it's still hard to open. It's still hard to deal with the pain it brings. He forces himself to take a deep breath and soon his memories come rushing back as if it was just yesterday. He has never spoken about it to anyone, not even his lover. The memories from that place only brought nightmares and so he made every effort to forget that place.

Gusu, beautiful and serene high above the clouds. Cold, crisp mountain air and stunning waterfalls. Cloud Recess was once his home. He once loved Cloud Recess and everything about it: the scenery, the beautiful library with all the rare books one could want, his family and his friends. Then there was the Cold Pond, where his life changed forever.

He closes his eyes and with a heavy sigh he recalls his first love, his first heartbreak and his first agony.

"I was once known as Lan Chen and I was one of the primary Lan family. My cousin Lan Qiren and I were together at the top of our class and were considered very strong cultivators. Lan Qiren and I were not close. Even though it was against the rules, Lan Qiren was a jealous and spiteful person. There was another strong cultivator outside the family. He was deadly as he was beautiful. All wanted to be his friend but he rarely spoke to anyone.His name was Xue he bing (snow and ice). Lan Qiren and his friends disliked him. They could never best him in anything. I admired him, he was clever, strong and brave.

I never approached him, I didn't want to be like everyone else. So quietly I watched him and tried to learn his likes and dislikes.

Then one day I felt the need to clear my head. I went to the Cold Pond to think and meditate about my feelings for Xue he bing. Upon reaching the Pond my heart and breath stopped. There rising from the Cold Pond was Xue he bing in all his glory. The water dripped sensually down his body. His hair was wet and molded to him like a second skin. The sun shining on him caused his white jade colored body to sparkle, as if he was made of tiny crystals. His eyes, usually the color of gray thunder clouds, now had a silver tone to them. I couldn't take my eyes off him.

From that moment on, my life was no longer my own and I no longer had doubts about my feelings toward him. After that, I sought him out wherever he went. I was always following and watching him but still never speaking to him. I wanted to confess my love for him but I couldn't. I was scared of his reaction, he was all I ever dreamed about and all I ever wanted.

Until one day, I was wounded badly during a night hunt, Xue he bing, saved my life. As he held me close to his chest, he revealed his heart to me, having thought he had almost lost me. He cried bitterly that he couldn't save me from harm. When he told me he loved me, I was shocked and thrilled. I then revealed I was in love with him as well. Once I recovered, we became secret lovers.

I wanted to live openly but that meant leaving Gusu and he didn't want to leave our home. The 3,000 rules weighed heavily on us both. My lover hated the secrecy, he felt it gave no value to our love for each other. I think I was blinded by love so much I didn't realize how much this hurt him. He eventually approached a member of the Lan family who was being considered to run Cloud Recess (Lan Qiren) unbeknownst to me. He felt that because Lan Qiren was our age and he was my cousin, he might understand better and he could help effect change to allow us to stay at Cloud Recess and live our lives openly.

Never could he have been more wrong. He never knew how much Lan Qiren hated us. Because of him and his friends Our secret became no longer a secret as Lan Qiren couldn't wait to tell the council about us. We were severely punished for our behavior and for not being apologetic about it. Gusu was no longer heaven but hell on earth.

Though my lover was strong and deadly, he was no match for the haters. Everyone turned against us. There was no one to defend or help us. Our parents dare not intervene against the council. To make matters worse we were not allowed to see each other or contact each other. It broke my heart how I was unable to shield or comfort him. I felt if we were allowed to see each other, we could have helped each other to stay strong and fight together. To fight for our love and our right to love.

Between the verbal abuse and being made to feel less than human, he broke. He took his own life. Bitterly at the time I wondered, had he even given a thought to me or how I would feel with him gone. Now, I understand how selfish I was. But was it wrong to love? Was it wrong because we were both men? Was it wrong to want to be happy together?

I wanted to follow my lover in death, I didn't want to exist without him but not before I killed my cousin Lan QIren and his friends. I raged against them. I never knew such hate in my heart before this happened. My parents, afraid of losing their only son and afraid of me completing my mission, swallowed their fear and had me drugged and taken out of Cloud Recess. They saved my life but I didn't want it. For their sake I tried to survive but I was barely hanging on and I didn't really care. I became a shell of a person, existing with no thought or purpose. I died inside the day my love took his life.

Once I had left that place of misery, I roamed to places I had never heard of. I helped when I could and lent my sword when necessary. But eventually my feeble attempts of redemption became meaningless and I became careless. Secretly hoping that someone would end my worthless life. I had been traveling as usual when I was set upon by some rogue bandits. My arrogance and carelessness almost ended my life. I was left for dead, I prayed my end would come quickly. Alas, It was not to be. For some reason heaven decided my time on this earth was still necessary.

" Why I ended up in this village I didn't understand. I felt like I was being pulled to go there. I was badly injured. My blood loss caused me to be weak and delirious. As I dragged myself into this village I had nothing left. I prayed death would finally claim me and end my miserable existence.