I am Here

Chapter 16 Lan Zhan's Past

Morning is shining through the windows bathing the lovers in dappled sunlight. The gentle breeze wafts through bringing the soft scent of lotus flowers. Ever so slowly the two lovers wake up and stare into each other's eyes.

Wei Ying reaches out to his husband's face and smiles "Lan Zhan, last night happened didn't it. I didn't dream it, right? Suddenly fearful he made it up all in his head. Lan Zhan smiles while kissing the lips he loves and says "Yes my love, it really happened, you did not dream it" Wei Ying raises his face to get the kisses he wants and needs.

Soon after many kisses, Lan Zhan loves Wei Ying's body as only he knows how. WeI Ying is again crying with the intensity of his climaxes over and over again. He never wants to come back to earth. He craves Lan Zhan like he craves the air around him. He will never tire of his touch.

Much, much later they finally stop to catch their breaths. Wei Ying senses something is on his beloved's mind but as always he gives Lan Zhan time to speak his thoughts. Finally Lan Zhan seems to have come to a decision, "My love I feel I must confess my past as well, so that you may know me better and understand why it was so hard for me to show my feelings."

Wei Ying holds his husband tightly and kisses his forehead. He takes Lan Zhan's headband and wraps one end on his wrist and the other on Lan Zhan's wrist. "Together my love, you were there for me, now I will be here for you", says Wei Ying.

Lan Zhan simply nods and lays his head on Wei Ying's chest, listening to his heartbeat. Suddenly he feels safe and calm. No wonder his Wei Ying does this to him every night. Their hearts beat together, always together.

Wei Ying places Lan Zhan in his arms, "My turn to hold you husband, I will never let you go." Lan Zhan lays his head against Wei Ying, he closes his eyes. His mind goes back to the past, a past filled with pain and loneliness. To a void that never closed till this beautiful man holding him filled it. He grips WeI Ying's hands and begins ...

"Most of my childhood was sad and lonely. I grew up feeling I was not deserving of love. I never felt love from anyone except my brother and I made it enough. I didn't need anyone else. You see my beloved, we didn't have parents like the other children. We never saw our parents together, honestly I never saw my father. My father was in self isolation and my mother was in forced isolation.

I would often see parents with their children and I wondered what that would be like. To know love and care, to know that they were wanted and were happy to hold their children in a loving embrace.

Brother tried to step in but he was a child himself. Later in life I learned that my father loved my mother but she hated him, yet he wouldn't let her go. I often wondered if she hated him so much why have his children? I often wondered why we were born if they didn't want us? What did we do so wrong to be abandoned like that? Wei Ying squeezes Lan Zhan as tears slide down his face. He knows only to well about wanting love and finding none,

My mother was kind but always distant and sad. She cried often. She never held me as a mother holds her child. I was treated almost as a stranger. I tried and tried to make her love me, I honestly couldn't think what I had done wrong. I tried to please her by behaving and trying to make her proud of me. A mother should love her child , right? A father should be proud of his sons and love them. Nothing, Nothing came from them. If my parents are unwilling to love me, then I was undeserving and I shouldn't want love."

Lan Zhan is trying to stay calm and stoic but hearing Wei Ying cry, he cries as well. But he knows he must continue so he tries to stay strong.

"One day, uncle took my brother and I to see mother. He went in first as was his habit, suddenly he grabbed our hands and took us away. All he said was your mother is no more. We will not be returning here again. I didn't understand, I couldn't understand, why can't we see mother? NO ONE was explaining anything. How was a young child supposed to deal with that? I needed my mother, I wanted my mother, why won't she see me?