I am Here

Chapter 4 Battle

The tiny voice is no longer tiny but it has now become a loud and sneering voice. It is full of disgust and pretend pity.

"You're not good enough or deserving enough for someone to love you, especially someone like Lan Zhan. Why should he want someone like you? He could have anyone in the world. Why should he settle for you?"

So in his anguish he pushed and pushed Lan Zhan to prove his love. He needed to shut that voice out. It's not that he didn't believe in Lan Zhan but when you've been programmed your whole life that your worthless, it's very hard to believe otherwise.

So all his fears and doubts crashed like waves into his brain and heart. He couldn't express his thoughts no matter how much he wanted to. The more he begged, the more Lan Zhan gave. Until something inside Lan Zhan snapped and the beast that always laid hidden and controlled broke free.

Wei Ying sensing something different in Lan Zhan is becoming scared and excited at the same time. He is now crying and begging for mercy. He is so conflicted he wants to stop Lan Zhan but does he really?

It really doesn't matter anymore what Wei Ying wants because Lan Zhan can't hear him anymore. All he can do is feel, feel his need for Wei Ying. Feel the need to prove over and over again his love for his Wei Ying. It's almost like a shield has been broken and all his restraint and tenderness is gone leaving only a feral animal in its wake. It was a night of untamed madness and in the end they both paid the price.

(Present Day, Morning)

After tending to Wei Ying's wounds Lan Zhan becomes more and more quiet as he busies himself straightening up the Jingshi and their bed. He stops when he notices droplets of blood on the sheets and pillows. Then his eyes fall upon the bloody handprint on the bed frame. His face becomes pale and he slowly looks over at Wei Ying who is watching him. Lan Zhan puts a hand over his mouth in shock and dismay, Wei Ying rushes over to tightly hug him.

"Please, no Lan Zhan, it's fine, I'm fine, see" .....

Lan Zhan kneels to the floor and bows his head. "How can I face Wei Ying? I never meant to hurt him. What is he thinking of me?" He covers his face with his hands. He is so ashamed and saddened at what he has done. He is the stronger of the two physically. He should have taken better care of his husband. "I am a monster", he screams internally.

Wei Ying watches all the emotions crossing Lan Zhan's face and he is afraid. He swiftly kneels in front of Lan Zhan and cups his face with both hands "Please Lan Zhan it's all my fault. I pushed you too far, my insecurities and doubts overtook me. "I forced," Lan Zhan stops him from talking by placing his hand over Wei Ying's mouth. At first he says nothing, slowly he looks at Wei Ying, the sadness fully evident in his face.

With a strained voice he says each word slowly and plainly, "My love, I don't know how to say what's in my heart without hurting you. You know words are hard for me to speak out loud".

Wei Ying nods slowly, his heart is thumping so hard, he is sure Lan Zhan can hear it.

"I don't know why you always doubt me and our love. I don't know why you don't trust what we have. I don't know what I should do or how to help but somehow I need to find a way to make you believe in us, our love and that I am here, always. This is real, we are real, not a dream or a fantasy. But please don't make me become a monster again to prove my love for you. I fear neither of us will survive another night like that, both physically or mentally."

Wei Ying slides onto Lan Zhan's lap on the floor. They take a moment to inhale each other's scent to help calm themselves, each lost in their own thoughts. Each searching their minds for the right words to help the other. Words of comfort, love and understanding.