Delta [Epsilon #2]

Chapter Forty-Eight

Azure

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I liked to think I wasn't a jealous person anymore, that I'd buried that bitter part of me the moment I'd abandoned the Southern Court with only the clothes on my back and two girls I hardly knew at my side. It had put things in perspective for me, how life could change in an instant; I was humbled. 

So humbled, for so long, that I'd forgotten how powerful my bitterness could be when it raised its ugly head. As it did in the dining hall that morning.

I stared across the hall, my hand wrapped so tightly around my fork It cut into my skin. Just several tables away sat Raina, sitting amongst several people I didn't know. At first, I'd felt angry at her for sitting with the Northerners. Hadn't she learned her lesson from last time?

But then my anger started to spiral, and I realised it wasn't just that that made me rage. Suddenly, the fact she was making conversation with them was vexing. And when she smiled at them, it was even worse. Her smile, something that could light up a room with its beauty alone, the one that had been aimed my way so many times... it wasn't aimed at me now. It was aimed at these people, and that fact alone made me want to take away their vision. And her laugh. God, how it grated on my nerves. Every time she chuckled at their jokes, I felt like screaming. 

The way her golden ringlets cascaded over her shoulders, the way her smile brightened her whole face, the emerald shade of her green eyes, the light freckles speckled over her nose... I hated it all. I hated it because it wasn't mine to have. It was everyone else's but mine. 

And the proud part of me, the spiteful part, asserted that I didn't want it anyway. That Raina had made the conscious decision to lose me when she'd broken the mate bond. And yet... and yet I couldn't shake the feeling that I was the one that had lost, that while she was over there laughing and healing from the pain -- if she'd even felt any pain to begin with -- I was stuck in this spiral of picking at everything about her. Trying to hate her features but loving them anyway, and hating myself for feeling that way. 

"Azure?" someone asked, and I turned to face a girl with red ringlets. For a few moments, I am staring into the ice-blue eyes of a stranger. What did I ever like about them again? That they were bright like hers?

I didn't respond. She reached out and placed her hand on top of mine, concern painting her features. "Azure?"

I blinked, and for a few moments, I stared at her hand. Then, I yanked mine away, using it to pick up my knife instead. "I'm fine, Rose."

Rose winced, and I regretted the words as soon as they were out. Kyra, who sat on my other side, gave me a questioning look and I turned towards my food, poking it with my fork. I knew I shouldn't be a bitch to Rose. It wasn't her fault I couldn't control my emotions, or that, despite the bubbly I-haven't-a-care-in-the-world front I'd put up, I was actually a raging mess inside. And the charade was starting to shatter.

involuntarily, my eyes darted back to Raina, and a foreign type of pain rushed through me as I found her clutching her side with laughter. In fact, everyone was laughing. A girl at the table cracked another joke, and Raina laughed harder, gasping for air and wiping tears from her eyes as she stared at the girl with the brightest smile I'd ever seen.

A flood of happy emotions echoed down the bond, and I gripped my fork so hard it bent. My eyes whipped to the girl. The fact she'd made Raina laugh, and the fact Raina was smiling at her like that... I wanted to strangle the girl for it.  

I looked away. Fuck, what is wrong with you? She's not your mate. Get over it.

But technically she still was, because I hadn't broken my end of the bond. The fact I could feel her emotions was proof of that. I knew I had to break it, that letting her go was the right thing to do, even if the severing would hurt me perhaps more than it would hurt her, but I just... couldn't. In my head was a constant battle between two forces: my ego, who wanted to reject her just so she could feel an inch of my pain. And the small part of me that just wanted love, the one that admired her so much. The one that just wanted her to be mine. 

Selfish of me, really. 

Her laughter echoed towards me again, and I clutched my head. Happy emotions spread through me, my body happy that my mate was happy, but I quickly beat those emotions down. It was torture, and yet I couldn't even bring myself to cut the string that would make it stop. Fuck, I'm over this. I'm so fucking over this.

Someone leaned towards my ear. "Azure, it's okay," Rose whispered, her hand snaking towards mine. My body stiffened as her fingers laced with mine. "You're okay, love," she said again, pressing a kiss to the corner of my mouth. I closed my eyes, trying to focus on the sensation, but once again I found myself in a dark room, alone with the only girl I'd ever really wanted, her lips pressed hard against mine...

I slammed my fists down on the table, the plates around me rattling with the force. Rose jumped back in surprise as I stood from my chair so hard it fell back with a loud bang, sending the entire hall into silence. I stared down at my uneaten food -- hands braced on either side of the plate -- aware everyone was looking at me now, and before I knew it my vision was blurring and tears were falling. Stupid fucking tears. 

Kyra stood as well, extending an arm to comfort me but I stormed away before she could touch me. I thought I heard Rose sniffle as I brushed past her, and I immediately beat down the guilt that came with making her cry. All I fucking do is hurt people. It's all I'm fucking good at, after all. Raina didn't reject me because due to the shock of her sexuality. She rejected me because I was a horrible fucking person; I always had been. 

And as I stormed from the dining hall and out into the quiet lobby, I decided I wasn't going to play nice anymore. All that'd gotten me is trouble and a hell of a lot of pain. 

No, I was going to go back to who I'd always been, the one persona that had gotten me through my shithole of a life. The one that had gotten me through my fucked-up childhood. I was going back to bitch, and this time, I was going to damn-well own it.