Delta [Epsilon #2]

Chapter Fifty-Three

Raina

I sat with my head in my hands, my anxiety at an all-time high as I waited outside the infirmary, desperate to get updates on Kyra's condition. The doctors and nurses had been very elusive thus far, moving in and out of the room with hushed urgency and not sparing me the time to explain Kyra's condition. I'd tried to look inside the door when it swung open, but it was always hurridly shut before I could make out anything of real sustenance inside the room. 

I sighed, scrubbing my face with my hands. I'd known this wouldn't end well. When Kyra had told me she was going to strike a deal with Azriel this morning -- mostly in an attempt to get her friends back than anything else -- I'd had to clamp my mouth shut against any protest. It took every ounce of willpower not to call her an idiot then and there, but I could tell by the look in her eyes that no amount of reprimand would sway her. Though, I got the feeling that -- while saving her friends was the main motivator -- there was something else there too. I just didn't know what.

I saw a figure approaching in my peripheral and, thinking it was a doctor, my head instantly snapped up. I sucked in a sharp breath when I realised who was actually walking towards me, my heart stumbling in my ribcage. Her deep blue eyes found mine, and a trained coldness came over her features -- something I could tell she'd been practicing. 

I stood from my chair in an instant. "Azure--"

"How's Kyra?" she said, jamming her hands and looking around the hall, as though bored. 

I wanted to hit her with a thousand apologies, but swallowed my words instead. "I don't know," I said. "Doctors won't say anything. You'd think they're keeping Pandora's Box in there or something."

Azure nodded at that; her demeanour frustratingly aloof. I tried to catch her eyes, but she avoided my gaze at all costs. Frustrated, I took a step towards her. "Azure, we need to talk."

"I don't want to talk to you," she said simply. "I only came her to check on Kyra. But if they're withholding information, then I'll leave and come back later."

That felt like a punch in the gut, but instead of backing down, I lifted my chain and raised to my full height -- even though she still towered over me. "Azure, I know I don't have the right to ask this, but please, just spare me five minutes--"

"You're right, Raina -- you don't have the right to talk to me," Azure snipped, her eyes finally locking on mine. The coldness was still there, but as she stared at my face, I could see the tightly concealed pain beneath them. "So why are you?"

I swallowed thickly. "Because I--" I dropped my head, sighing. "I... regret rejecting you."

Azure stilled. "You... what?"

I looked up at her beneath lowered lashes, her face entirely unguarded with shock. Still, I could sense her reluctance to believe my words, the scepticism that kept her body stiff and guarded. 

"I mean it, Az. I made a rash decision in the heat of the moment, and it was the wrong one. My god, it was wrong. I shouldn't have rejected you. I shouldn't have put you through so much pain. I--" my throat closed up, then, and tears stung my eyes. I shook my head. "...I shouldn't have destroyed our opportunity at something great. I ruined it, Azure, and I'm so sorry."

"Then why?" she hissed, her voice laced with pain. I looked up to find her eyes glossed with tears, and my gut wrenched. "Why did you reject me?"

Shame burned at my core. I shut my eyes. "Because I was afraid, Azure. I was a coward -- something I swore I wouldn't be, and yet here we are." I raised my eyes to hers, not caring about the tears blurring my vision, or how pathetic I must have looked. "I'm not... meant to like girls. I've only ever liked men. I'm a straight female, Az, and while I can't deny there was something brewing between you and I, the mate bond made it all too real and I just... I just freaked out."

I dropped my head again, cursing how stupid I sounded.

"So you... you don't want to like women?"

My head snapped up in an instant. I opened my mouth to deny it, but instead, my throat closed up and my eyes flooded with tears. I blinked them away. "I don't know, Az," I whispered, shaking my head. "I don't know anymore. My entire identity has been uprooted, and everything I thought I was is false. All I do know is that this world has been so, so fucking lonely without you in it, and I only have myself to blame for that."

I raised my eyes again, but I couldn't see her past the blurriness of my vision. All I could make out was the outline of her beautiful silhouette. "I miss you, Az," I whispered, my voice cracking with longing. "I miss you like hell. And I tried filling that hole with... other friends and... a false identity and yet... yet nothing compares to what we had. And I threw it away -- I know I threw it away, that's on me, but God; the way I'd turn back time to undo it all. I wouldn't hesitate for a second."

"And if you could," she said, her voice shaking, "Would you have claimed me as your mate?"

I stiffened. Even though my world had been sent to shambles ever since the bond snapped into place -- even though my entire identity had been called into question -- there was one thing I knew for certain.

"Yes," I breathed. "I don't know what's going on with me, Az. I don't know whether I'm getting closer to my true self or straying farther from her, but what I do know is that, if I had to choose anyone to discover it with; if I had to choose anyone to hold my hand while I walked this rocky path, it would be you. It was always you; the gods knew it when they tied us together."

I fell quiet. For a few moments, there was nothing but silence. I began to panic, wondering if Azure would just turn her back on me and walk away -- as I wholly deserved -- but she didn't. Instead, she stepped towards me, grabbing my shoulders and wrapping me in a bone-crushing hug. I sobbed into her chest -- both in despair and relief. It felt so right here, in her arms, and yet I'd ruined any chance we'd had at becoming... more.

"I missed you too," she breathed, her voice just as choked as mine. "But... but I'm going to need time. And space, Raina. You really hurt me. You really fucking hurt me. It's going to take time for me to heal, for me to want to trust you again."

I pulled back from her hug, blinking away my tears as I stared up at her. I could finally see her face -- so tan and strong and beautiful. I could see that her guard was up, but I could also see the hope glimmering in her sapphire-blue eyes. I wanted to show her that her hope was well-placed; that, despite having failed her on many fronts, I would not fail her on this one.

"I understand, Az. Just... let's not ignore each other's existence anymore, okay?"

Azure chuckled at that, and I grinned. Finally, it was starting to seem as though we were starting to get some normality back.

But then Azure's smile faded -- her guard back in place -- and it was a stark reminder that I would have to earn her trust back. That it would take a while before we'd becoming friends again -- perhaps even longer until we could become more than that. 

And I was prepared to do anything to earn it.