For Every Missing Shade

Entry 6

I fumbled with my keys while I surveyed the paint on her house. I knocked on her door a couple of minutes ago to her shouting that she'd be out in a second. After a while, I heard the door unlock.

She smiled when she saw me. "Ready to go?" she asked.

No one ever taught me how to act when I see my date. I could have complimented her, told her how beautiful she was, or said something funny. Instead, all I had was a dropped jaw, wide eyes, and a "Yeah definitely. I'm starving."

--

We sat in silence for what seemed like hours, even though my watch claimed it was only minutes. I've learned time is relative with people just like it is with gravity. Minutes can feel like hours and days can feel like seconds. It's always a matter of what's happening, and now nothing is happening. Nothing except her.

Her eyes were fixed on her food. Not playing with it, not eating it, just sitting politely. She looked up and broke the silence.

"I just think it's weird," she said.

"What?"

"People have always told me that if I shoot for the moon and miss that I'll land among the stars." She paused for a bit, thinking through the next part, "But, the moon is still light years away from the closest star."

She looked at me as if she expected me to solve her dilemma. Really, I barely had time to think about it because I was so surprised that she spoke in the first place. I tried to have an opinion on it.

"Well, I guess, Uh-"

"I think people are just afraid of knowing that they can work for something and have it accomplish nothing. But it happens every single day. Someone works towards their goal and it falls through. They fail and then they find themselves stuck on Earth, looking up at the same stars they gazed at before."

"I, uh... I guess you're right."

She looked at me, maybe wanting me to say more. "Sorry, that kinda came out of nowhere. What's some normal date talk?"

"Oh no, no, I didn't mean it like that. I completely agree with you. And anyway, I don't really believe in 'first date ice-breaking material'. I'm just awkward, and you're really cute. I mean your thoughts are cute - I mean they're interesting... Sorry abou-"

"I know what you mean," she said, her cheeks turning red.

Of course she did. She's been stealing by breath from the adorable half-smile she wore when I said 'cute' to the way her eyes sparkled as I stumbled over my words. She made me want to make an idiot out of myself more often.

Conversation came naturally after that. Well, natural-er. We talked about small and big stuff. Gossip, questions, problems that kept us up at night, and everything in between. We made it through all of the never have I evers, the truth or dares, and the little secrets.

"So are you excited to get out of high school?" I asked.

"I don't know," she countered. "Sometimes I feel like I am and other times I'm not. But I'd rather be excited to leave than be forced to leave, so no matter what I try to have a decent mindset about it. What about you?"

I laughed. "I just feel like high school is a place where people get stuck. I've gone to school with a lot of these people for all my life. And I love some of them, but I think you can only stay around the same people for so long before it keeps you from growing. I love my friends, don't get me wrong, but sometimes I feel like I need a clean slate before I can start a next chapter."

"So what are you going to do differently in college?"

"I don't know, really. I just feel like now I'm forced into someone else's idea of perfection. And I want more control, so I can realize ideas of my own."