For Every Missing Shade

Entry 9

I woke up on the street again, coughing out ash from my lungs. My every muscle ached. I didn't know where I was or even what I was. I struggled to sit up as invisible chains held me down. I looked around this nightmare, staged as some post-apocalyptic society. I heard breathing so I turned around. Someone was behind me.

I tried to scream at him, but again the words wouldn't come out. I turned my head and coughed onto the street, black soot coming out again. I looked back down at my skin, frightened to see it still covered in grey.

That was when I heard it once again.

My name was ringing through the air as someone called for me. I strained my neck up towards buildings, their tops far above the cloud of smoke hanging in the sky. I started looking around at eye level for the calling, but I couldn't see anything. 

I tried to walk towards the noise, but the strength of whatever gravity was at play kept me chained to the floor. I decided to crawl, but my body still scraped along the pavement. The friction began scratching off some of the ash. Eventually, my fingers were almost free of it. I could finally move them freely once it rubbed off.

The ash was holding me down, that was the problem. I started scratching more of it off on the pavement. It scratched my skin too, but I fought through the pain. I finally lifted my arm off the street and pushed my torso up with it. I felt a hundred pounds lighter than I had before. When I got to a kneeling position, I looked ahead of me.

The same figure was in front of me. I tried to move past it, but it pushed me back. Immediately, my chest became too heavy to handle, and I fell back to the ground.

"You need to stay here," he said.

I shook my head no, but he didn't move.

I pointed in the direction of the voice, sure that he heard it too.

"Something is about to happen. You can't get up if you're going to leave."

I looked at him and back at the voice. Whoever was yelling my name sounded familiar. I tried to get past him, but he stopped me again with his hand. More of the same people were crowding around me, telling me to stay.

I tried to yell, but instead, I opened my eyes.

I was lying next to my mom, who was sitting on the corner of my bed.

"Mom, what are you doing in my room?" I asked

I sat up, startled at how easy it was.

"Your dad told me about the conversation you had last night. I just wanted to make sure everything was okay."

"Uh... yeah. It just sucks knowing that I messed up so bad."

"I'm sure it will get better. And if you ever need anything from me, just ask. Okay?"

"Yeah, sounds good. Thanks."

I got dressed for school after she left. I felt prepared for when I expected to see Emma. I imagined what she would do when she saw me. Would she hear me out or would she push me away? Is she going to break things off with me, or am I blowing this out of proportion? I decided the best way to find out was to ask her myself, so I left for school.

I drove around the parking lot, looking for her car. I drove to the area she's usually in, but with no luck.

I tried to see her throughout the school day, but she wasn't there. I even went to the attendance office at one point. They said they hadn't heard anything from her but confirmed that she hadn't been in class. I called her, but my number was blocked.

I stormed out of the office, mad that no one knew where she was. I looked around at everyone else in the hallway. They were laughing, smiling, not caring. It made me even madder. This girl could be missing and no one cared.

I walked through the halls, trying to find Stew. I saw him standing by his locker.

I walked up to him and slammed his locker shut.

"What the hell?" he said, seeing the frustration in me.

"Who told you that shit about Emma?" I asked.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, who the hell told you?" My voice got louder, but I couldn't help it.

"I don't know, man, I heard it. You know how you just hear stuff?"

"Fuck!" I said as I hit his locker.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Stew asked, looking around at other students in the hall, some of whom were looking back.

"She's gone, Stew."

"What?"

"She's gone," I said, my voice breaking. "I don't know where she is. She blocked my number and she's not at school. The attendance office said they haven't heard anything from her."

"Woah, did you say anything to her?"

"Yeah, I confronted her about that stupid rumor. She got mad and stormed out of my car."

"Shit," he said softly.

"Something's clearly going on," I confirmed.

I could tell he wanted to tell me I told you so, but he held his tongue. Instead, he said a few condolences, but none of it made me feel any better. There was nothing he could do. There was nothing I could do.

I just wanted to make it better. I wanted to hug her again, kiss her again, tell her that it was all bullshit. And even if all the rumors were true, I wanted to say that I don't care.

It was my fault. I felt so alone.