For Every Missing Shade

Entry 18

It all happened at once.

We were together, watching a movie on my basement couch. Her stomach problems were getting worse, so it didn't surprise me when she stood up to go to the bathroom.

I should have warned her more.

I should have made her go to the doctor.

She stood up and started walking and I should have stopped her. I should have made her sit down.

She shouldn't have been with me to begin with. She should have been at home.

Fuck that, she should have been at a hospital.

The way her body fell to the ground. Like everything was suddenly sucked out of her. I thought it was all a joke at first, but no one would hit the ground like that if their brain could do something about it.

After that it was running.

Running, shaking, screaming, shaking.

She didn't look back up at me. She wasn't there to tell me that she was okay.

I started quietly. "Mom... mom, mom, mom," I got louder as I yelled to her. "Mom, mom, mom, MOM."

"Honey, wha-" she saw me holding her when she came downstairs.

"Call an ambulance, now," I cried as I cradled her head in my arms.

She ran upstairs and I kept trying to jolt Emma awake. It took a little while longer, but she started to come through.

"Israel, what's going on?"

I stared into her eyes, my heart running frantically in my chest. "Emma, you fainted. You got up to go to the bathroom and collapsed on the ground."

"I think I'll be okay," she said as she tried to focus her eyes on me. "I just need to get my bearings again. Here, help me up."

She tried to grab my arm to pull on, but I held her down on the ground. "It's okay. Help is on the way, you don't need to worry about anything."

Her eyes started to open wider. "Wait, Israel... what do you mean by help? You better just mean you or your mom or..." her head began to drop back down, but I shook her awake once again.

"Emma, you're going to be okay. Don't worry. Everything is going to be okay."

We stayed like that for an eternity. I kept her head up while she said whatever she could to me. The EMT's came into our basement behind my mom's lead, and I watched them carry Emma onto a gurney and into the back of an ambulance.

It seemed like she was trying to fight it, but it wasn't much. Her consciousness still played a tug of war as she disappeared behind the doors.

I stood outside my door while my mind tried to make sense of everything that was happening. I tried to rationalize it, make sense of it, and convince myself everything was going to be okay. None of it worked.

I only knew one thing: I needed to get to that hospital.

I ran to my car, cranked the ignition, and floored it behind the ambulance. My tires skidded in the snow as I desperately tailed it. Wind whipped my steering wheel back and forth as I fought through the night lights. My vision glowing with spasms of red and blue.

I pulled furiously into a parking spot and stumbled through the snow towards the glowing red Emergency Room sign.

I felt drunk. My legs weren't under my control anymore. I wasn't thinking. I just needed to be next to her.

I barged through the entrance and ran to the front desk.

"You need to let me get in," I said frantically. My jaw was trembling.