What I Should Have Said

37

Elizabeth silently sat in the car. Alex parked and looked over at her. He reached out and gently squeezed her hand. "You ready?" He asked. Elizabeth looked over and saw the guests gathered at her father's gravesite. Alex got out of the car and went around to open her door. He held his hand out to her and helped her out of the car. "I'll take you straight home if you think you can't handle it okay?" He whispered. She nodded and held onto his arm as they made their way over. Everyone turned and watched as they approached.

Elizabeth watched as everyone passed by her father's casket to pay their final respects. Alex stood alongside her. She stared at her father's lifeless face. She wished she had more time. She wished she would've listened. She wished she would have had the chance to tell him she loves him too. She wished she gave him the chance to make it up to her. Now it felt like she was the one begging everyone else for second chances.

"I'm sorry." Elizabeth whispered over to Alex.

Alex glanced over at her, "Why are you apologizing?" He asked.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you." She replied.

Alex sighed and tucked his hands in the pockets of his slacks as he and Elizabeth stared at her father's casket, " I told you not to worry about it."

"I mean I'm sorry for everything." Elizabeth replied, "I'm sorry I didn't tell you about everything that was happening when you just wanted to help. I'm sorry I wasn't honest with you sooner." Alex stayed silent and listened. "And I'm sorry I never told you about the baby. I thought keeping it to myself would've kept you safe and you wouldn't have to suffer the loss of what could've been. But I realized we all need time to grieve something, it wasn't fair to keep it from you because you deserve to grieve too." She whispered. Alex glanced down at the grass beneath his feet and blinked away the tears that slowly emerged from his eyes. "I know you still need time to grieve and process everything. But I appreciate the fact that you still came here with me."

Alex took a deep breath and exhaled, "Like you said. We all need time to grieve when we lose something. But I'm not the only one grieving, we both are. I told you I wouldn't leave you alone and I meant it."

Elizabeth faintly smiled and tightly held onto his arm. The minister stepped forward and opened up his book of notes and began to read, "Thank you all who have gathered here today to bid farewell to Mason Hayes. A brilliant and ambitious mind in his field of work, held together by the daughter he considered his glue, the light of his life, his daughter Elizabeth or as he called her, 'Betty'." Elizabeth silently listened. " I had met Mason about 5 years ago when he arrived at his first AA meeting. I got to see the kind soul that Mr. Hayes was, which the alcohol didn't always allow to be shown. It was a privilege to meet him and get to know him. Like many of us, he had his own struggles but he owned up to his mistakes, and from the time I have known him, he constantly made an effort to right his wrongs. He was a great man and a proud father. Death is a tragedy but it's important to remember those we lost in a positive light. Mason's passing is one to grieve, but his life is one to celebrate. It's always hard for many to understand how to work through a loss. Many ask me, 'How can one say things happen for a reason when tragedy strikes?'"

Alex and Elizabeth both intently listened to him. "As hard as it is for people to understand the concept of 'things happen for a reason', through time they begin to understand. Both good and bad happen for a reason. What people don't understand is that It's not about the event alone it's about what you take from that joyous occasion or tragedy. When one door closes, another one opens. And when one chapter ends...a new one begins. It's never an easy lesson to learn. Mason's passing is a tragedy, but it's about what we can learn from his life. From his achievements to his mistakes. It's important to reflect on what someone's life taught us and what their passing is capable of teaching us. Great change came after many tragedies, many sacrifices, and many wars. Death is no different. But to move forward we must never repeat the mistakes of the past. Mason knew that. In his last moments, I saw a great man, friend, and father who made an effort to not repeat the mistakes of his past. If there's one thing we take from today, it's to be grateful for the good and bad things Mason was able to teach us."

Elizabeth silently watched as the Minister ended his speech and they prepared to lower Mason's casket into the ground. She stared at her father one last time as she watched them shut his casket and begin to lower him in. Elizabeth held back tears and kept a brave face. It was all becoming too real for her, her dad was dead. He was gone.

--

Everyone went by and gave Elizabeth their condolences. Elizabeth saw the minister talking to a couple and made her way over. The minister noticed her approaching and politely smiled, " My condolences Elizabeth."

"Thank you." She nodded. "I'm sorry but I wasn't aware you were also a friend of my father's."

The minister nodded, "Yeah, I met him back when he came to one of the AA meetings I coordinated and he had a very interesting story. We talked pretty often, I gave him counseling and I believe it really helped him. He always talked about you."

"He did?" Elizabeth curiously asked.

He smiled and nodded. "He never stopped talking about you. He always talked about how proud he was of you. He told me about his struggle and how it affected you, he always felt remorseful about it. But he was impressed and proud of the woman you became despite all of it. You were actually the reason he decided to go to AA in the first place."

"I was?" Elizabeth asked.

"He saw how you were starting to pull away once you finally got a job and left home and he understood why. He came in and it was one of the first things he talked about, how he wanted to change to be better and try to be the father you deserved. He wished he had done it sooner. He really was trying his best to change but then he fell sick with the cirrhosis and it became a little harder but he kept trying." He explained.

"Why didn't he tell me? I didn't know any of this." Elizabeth replied.

The minister smiled, " Words are one thing. Actions are another. He wanted his actions to speak for themselves. Would you believe he was being sincere if he told you, but his actions didn't reflect his words?" Elizabeth stayed silent and thought about it. She never believed he was being sincere. She had a hard time understanding and believing when someone was being sincere.

"People don't tend to believe someone when they say they are trying to change, sometimes they lie and never do. But if someone is sincere about their feelings and willingness to change they're going to show it." He explained. He did, but Elizabeth ignored it. "But how do you ever know if someone is being sincere or genuine?" She asked.

"Someone could say they love you, but did they show you they love you? Anyone can say they love you but do their actions prove it? Your father was pretty open about how he wasn't the best and how he was flawed. But even at his worst, he was still there and he never stopped trying to be there for you even when he was bedridden. He loved you." He replied. He was right. She hated herself for not realizing it sooner.

When everyone left, Her dad stayed.

When it seemed like no one bothered to fight for her, Her dad did.

When she couldn't believe anyone genuinely loved her, Her dad did.

That was love.

"You're right." She quietly replied and walked over to Alex who was chatting with some guests. She took the car keys from his hand. "I need to go do something." She replied and ran off to the car.

"Betty wait!" He shouted and tried to go after her.