Nymphet

So long, inspector

I truthfully don't know how to start this. It's been so long since i've written anything in hopes that you would see it. I think I'm realizing that these letters were never really for you but for me to say the things i deserved to speak that you probably would never listen to. I truly feel like you never cared about me, that to you my feelings and thoughts were mundane and trivial. And maybe thats not true, i want to give you the benefit of the doubt but you failed to show me any ounce of care that you swore to me you had. Anytime i tried to express that you hurt me and how, you resorted to mental abuse. Constantly telling me I'm crazy and delusional, pushing me far enough to the point i couldn't even trust myself or my memory or my own feelings. You made me feel like i couldn't feel, like i wasn't worthy of feeling upset over your lack of care and actions. As if my feelings were something you could step over and it was fine because i was just being "delusional and crazy". You pushed me to a point of dependency on you, needing you to be there to tell me what i could feel and what was valid for me to do. And I'm not sure if you meant too but you did. I went out of my way to give you information on what triggered me and how my episodes felt for me and you continued to trigger me as if non of that even mattered, as if i put all of that effort into making those threads for nothing. Im mature enough to admit that my reactions to being triggered were borderline verbally abusive. I know that, i know i probably hurt you too and for that i have and will continue to apologize. I can understand that maybe you treated me like that because thats how your mother treats you, constantly shutting you down when you tell her how she makes you feel to the point you feel like saying something is the very last option. I understand that, it took me a while to really piece those things together and understand but i do. I understand having someone constantly break you down and get your hopes up and treat you good for a while just to turn around and treat you like shit all over again. I understand because thats exactly what you did to me, over and over again. I have so many things to say, things i would like to say to you. But i don't want to speak to you again, not until you work on whatever it is you need too. I don't even want to hear your name until then. You dug the worst parts of me out and forced us all to have a feast together. You broke my brain down to the point it started creating new alters and merges just to feel safe. Being around you ruined every attempt i made to get better and work on my trauma. You completely destroyed me again and again. And you may be wondering why i stayed, i stayed because i loved you. Because i refused to leave you alone knowing how hard living your life with no one really there caring for you must have been for you. Because i understood not having a single person stick beside you at your very worst and just be there for you. I promised again and again that no matter how bad things got, i would stay and i would be there for you. It was the most idiotic thing i have ever fucking done to this day, but i don't regret it. I don't regret loving you, i don't regret meeting you, i don't regret anything we went through together. I however do regret allowing you to break me down the way you did. I didn't deserve that, i didn't deserve to be harmed more by someone i loved the way i loved you. And i don't forgive you, simply because i don't think you feel apologetic for a single action you've done to or against me. I hope you can grow, i hope you can really find the best parts of yourself and become them. I hope you find some type of happiness and you get to keep it. I hope you can recover and move on from your trauma. I really wish that you get to have that. Goodbye until then, dear inspector.

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