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thirteen:: when you lose your breath.

[PAUL; Someone New by Hozier] I REALLY WANTED TO POST THIS ON FRIDAY BC SAME-SEX MARRIAGE :(

THIRTEEN:: when you lose your breath.

It was the following Monday and due to some persistence from Paul, he'd pick me up as he said he would. My mother wasn't too fond of me going out into a boy's car but she hadn't really said anything until I was out of the house, Jade trailing me. I'd heard it right as I shut the door.

"Jason, your son is whoring around with males!" she'd yelled but I hadn't waited long enough to hear my father's defending statements.

Was I seriously whoring myself around?

It didn't seem so farfetched at that moment and I was genuinely questioning that myself. I'd been so into Calum and not even a week after rejection, I was throwing myself into the arms of Paul and establishing some sort of commitment (although not relationship wise) while fake dating my co-captain. Honestly, being a guy that has only ever dated two people, one being a girl who only was with me to make Calum jealous, I'd never opened myself up this much and it was scary.

Maybe I was going after too many people. Maybe I was setting myself up to become a person who'd put out for anyone.

I had a lot of thinking over the weekend and thinking by myself was never good. Thinking while alone plugged these thoughts into my head and it was hard to push them out.

Jade must've seen my face or somehow heard my thoughts because she stopped me on the third step down from the house to Paul.

And she hugged me.

And even though it was awkward for her considering the fact that Jade rarely showed affection, it was comforting enough to make my thoughts kind of disintegrate. When she awkwardly untwined herself from me, pulling away to hold me at my shoulders, she made a face that clearly showed that we'd never speak of it.

And she wiped at my face, water on her fake black nail. The tears were so few, they'd come so fast, and I was so invested in my thoughts that I hadn't noticed them.

But I wasn't even sad; I felt the same way I'd been feeling since my coming out. Maybe it was a little depressing but I'd gotten so used to being unhappy, it wasn't anything new.

"Don't tell anyone that I'm soft," she said with a comforting smile as if she knew how bad I felt and how these feelings hit me with no warning. It was like calm before a storm, you don't expect it because everything feels so normal and then all of a sudden, you're upset. You feel like a giant black hole inserted itself inside you and everything that you've worked so hard to obtain goes hurtling in.

Since coming back from the hospital, it was hard and it was a struggle to fight myself so much. And I had to constantly push myself to move my body and not just lay down and accept whatever life throws at me.

But one word from my mother just sent my ribs crashing into my lungs and I was there clutching onto my sister as I fought a near breakdown.

I tried not to cry any more than I was, "Don't tell anyone that I cried."

And she held up her pinky flashing me back to our childhood together and how we'd always pinkie swear when we promised not to tell on each other. Everything was much simpler before. I forced a smile as I locked my little finger with hers.

"Loraine is just being a bitch, don't mind her, Jules."

I shrugged at that, Jade was just trying to make me feel better. She never did like our mother and they never did have a good relationship.

We'd made it to Paul's car, my sister looking at me with wide eyes, "Fuck, I didn't even ask..."

Rolling my eyes at her, that easy smile I had around Paul came naturally across my face, my skin feeling tight because of how early it was in the morning, "I hope you don't mind giving Jade a ride too, Paul."