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forty:: when it's simply skin on skin.

[gif; Desire by Years and Years ft. Tove Lo]

THERE IS MATURE CONTENT IN THIS CHAPTER. IT'S NOT THAT SIGNIFICANT TO THE PLOT SO IF YOU'RE UNCOMFORTABLE READING THINGS LIKE THIS, I'LL GIVE YOU A WARNING BEFORE IT STARTS AND WHEN IT ENDS. OKAY THIS CHAPTER IS LONG AS FUCK BUT THAT'S DUE TO THE MATURE CONTENT AND IF YOU TAKE IT OUT, THE CHAPTER IS THE SAME LENGTH AS NORMAL. (I might split it later into two separate chapters but...)

antyways...

FORTY: when it's simply skin on skin.

Adjusting after being put on pills was... In one word: weird. It'd been around a week and a half before I was seeing a difference myself and after that, I'd focused on making this relationship equal. I was performing better in soccer games and Paul and I were doing way better than ever.

It was a month after I'd started taking my depression seriously when Paul and I were laying in his bed, I'd been over for the weekend. Things were still a bit rocky at home, dad adjusting to not wearing his wedding ring anymore and there wasn't much progress on the divorce since my mo- Loraine wouldn't sign the papers. She was staying with grandma and only called to speak with Jade but apparently divorce was a sin.

To say being ignored by her hurt... was a bit of an understatement but my pills had stopped me from spiraling back down into that hole completely since Paul and my dad had paid extra close attention to me in the mornings, monitoring me. Still, I found the thoughts in the back of my head but they were less loud and my panic attacks were less frequent as well.

On top of all my problems, it was almost May... One month until June where school would end and I'd recently sent out my college forms. My life was getting easier to juggle but things were still hectic and I was still worried. Throughout recovery, I'd focused more on my grades and brought my math grade back up to a B... That was amazing for me.

Sure, it wasn't an A but it was better than barely passing and UC Santa Barbra actually seemed attainable. I mean, I sent letters elsewhere, Michigan State being my second choice, I was just waiting on any acceptance so I could plan ahead. Andy had been in touch with colleges as well and according to his smile, although he didn't tell me about anything, he was probably scouted.

To get my mind off of the insecurity I felt about my game, I shut my eyes. I'd been staring at a blank wall all day, my eyes barely recognizing that I was doing so and my mind was racing. I'd been thinking a lot since the diagnosis, my brain becoming my best friend and aside from a slump in between finding a new therapist and a fraction of pills left over, I was doing better.

The first therapist they'd assigned me with looked too much like Calum, he brought back too many be memories and although the man was nice, he was also a bit over-opinionated and asked way too many questions. A lot of our conversations were about my sexuality and they all led to his conclusion that maybe Paul wasn't good for me. After meetings with him, I'd always ended up doubting my relationship and that was when my Dad decided to switch.

We needed to find a new one soon because my pills were running out and they wouldn't refill unless I got help.

Anxious about everything, I tried the breathing techniques that we'd gone over recently, focusing my eyes on my light switch. This day wasn't as bad as the other ones, I knew that, my lips were sucked into my mouth to prevent them from trembling and I thought of the body that laid beside me that night. I'd thought about my weight a lot, acknowledged how my hips were slowly widening and my abs no longer prominent.