Open [boyxboy] ✓

forty-four:: when you go on an emotional rollercoaster.

[Perfect by Bibi Bourelly ft. Earl St. Clair]

I'm not sure if you guys have realized but there's a reason that we're learning so much about Paul later on. Julian had to figure himself out before he could figure out his relationship and I think that's a good thing. You have to learn who you are and learn how to love yourself before you put yourself into the position to love someone else unconditionally and he has struggled with that.

That being said, there's a lot more than meets the eye with Paul, which you've seen but this chapter will go further into that. He's not perfect, no one is.

FORTY-FOUR: when you go on an emotional rollercoaster.

Being in love with someone was really a new experience, with everything going on in my life, I thought I was feeling better but seeing Paul hurting, in a way, it hurt me. It was truly painful seeing the tears in his eyes and not being able to do anything because that's it, he didn't want me to.

He didn't want me to know anything.

"What the hell was I thinking?" His voice was distressed, my heart clamping and I'd stopped moving. Hoping that Paul would still be in the apartment, I went to look around for him. And when I made it to the living room, I'd caught him on the couch with Brandon. With them facing away, I was able to make my way into the kitchen, trying not to become even sadder at the glimpse I got of him with his head in his hands.

Leaning back on the counter, I made sure I was out of sight and twined my arms around my body for comfort. "It's okay, Paul." Brandon's voice was soothing and really, I could see how they were best friends. Looking to the side and almost behind me through the window above the sink, I noticed Brandon rubbing his shoulder and my heart ached. "Sometimes we say shit we don't mean."

"I basically yelled at him for no real reason." Despite how calming his friend's voice was, Paul was still stressed. I hated hearing him like this, all worried about things and sad but I was sad too and both of us being sad... it wasn't something I liked. "He knows I'm hiding things from him, B."

"He was bound to find out that you're not Mr. Perfect."

There was a chuckle in Brandon's voice and I smiled sadly when Paul barely let out a sigh. "He's really upset with me."

But I wasn't upset. Or maybe I was, all I knew was I wanted him to trust me but maybe I pushed a little too hard. He wasn't ready, I had to respect that, I know but... why wasn't he ready? Why didn't he trust me? I always trusted him.

"Can you blame him?" Brandon couldn't stand me, why the hell was he sticking up for me? "You always talk about how trust is a huge part of a relationship and now you're not trusting him with things."

And Paul went quiet for a few minutes, shuffling being heard and I looked over to see his head on Brandon's shoulder. A pang of jealousy shot through me at that, Brandon's arm going to wrap around my boyfriend and comfort him. Don't get upset, don't get upset, don't get upset. Paul was a very affectionate person, he loved being held, that was it. "It's hard. I just wish he would get it."

"I know it is." Brandon had said, free hand going to play in Paul's hair and even if they were talking about me, I felt out of place. Their relationship was so strong, their love was so there and it hurt to know that not even an hour before, he'd rejected my comfort. "It was hard for him too, I'm sure."

It was still quiet as I pulled my eyes away from them. Moving back before I was caught, I sunk to the floor, bringing my knees to my chest and leaning on them. They're just really close, he doesn't have a problem with me being close to Benji, I can't have a problem with him and Brandon. But Ben wasn't sexually attracted to me, Ben was straight, Ben and I had never touched each other in any way that wasn't platonic.