Open [boyxboy] ✓

twenty-eight:: when you're just tired.

[troye quote; Starman by David Bowie (rest in peace, king)]

TWENTY-EIGHT: when you're just tired.

My heart was beating so fast, I felt as if I could fucking die when Ben pulled up outside Paul's apartment building later on that night. I felt a myriad of emotions, my mind processing the look that Paul would probably give me when I eventually came face-to-face with him.

I couldn't see it going any other way than him dumping me.

So maybe that was the reason my lips were quivering and my mind was blank and I just wanted Benji to accelerate, pulling out and maybe driving me off a cliff somewhere. I didn't want to face Paul or my own stupid decisions and I was regretting putting myself out there and asking him out because I wasn't enough for him.

I felt a hand on my shoulder, my eyes flickering over to Benji and a sigh involuntarily passing my lips. We'd been in his car for two hours, parked and talking; I didn't want to seem weak but really, I was and nothing would've hurt more than screwing up my relationship. Calum was nothing compared to Paul because I liked him so much... So much, I felt like I couldn't breathe, my thoughts gluing me to the chair.

Paul was perfect and I was just Jules.

And alongside the many things that scared me, Paul realizing that I wasn't good enough for him was the worst. I shut my eyes, attempting to glue myself to the seat without adhesive and trying to run from my fears again. And again and again. I felt my breathing speed up faster but I willed myself not to panic at that point. I didn't need anyone else knowing about how weak I was and oddly enough, Benji had turned into an authoritative and protecting figure, it felt as if keeping my emotions at bay were the only cards I had left.

I didn't want to seem weak so I met his eyes with an unwavering stars, hoping he couldn't see how broken I felt.

He must've noticed the slight shaking of my hands and he leaned towards me as he sat in the driver's seat and knocked my shoulder lightly. He looked worried, "You've gotta talk to someone about this, man, it's not good for you." And I knew he was talking about the shaking and the crying and the dependency on everyone else in my life to hold me together. I knew he was talking about the bottled up emotions and the fact that I was living away from home and pushing people away.

"You're gonna tell him that it's not his fault and how much you like him and all that other gay shit that you guys have been developing and then you're gonna let him hold you because you're a fuckin' mess right now and you can't keep that to yourself." His grip was tight on my shoulder and his eyes were looking straight into mine with a sternness that I hadn't seen before.

And I couldn't agree more.

"Paul cares about you and I consider you to be one of my best friends, don't make things harder for yourself." He gave me a small smile, cracking his strict facade and he leaned further to open my door, "he'll understand, don't be fuckin' stupid."

So I brought my shaky hand to the passenger door, slowly pushing it open and thanking my closest friend for everything. I honestly didn't understand how I'd survive without Benji and I kept that in mind as I shoved my hands into my pockets and made my way to the building.

He stayed there until I'd entered, a text coming through to alert me that he wanted to know how it went and it was almost as if he read my mind because he specifically made it clear that he wasn't texting and driving, ending the conversation with a "you got this, J."