OPEN [boyxboy] ✓

one:: when the bomb drops.

[another cover by woodIeys ]

ONE:: when the bomb drops.

"I'm gay." I stated, my eyes resting on the couch where my mom sat, looking up from her bible, her face one of shock.

My mother was a preacher from a long line of other preachers, it was in her blood to study the bible every morning. The churning in my stomach, the sweat of my palms, the way I hung my head in shame; I stood by the doorframe, my eyes glued on the ground and my shoes on in case I need to bolt.

It was silent, so silent you could hear a pin drop as I held my breath waited for the words that would set me free from my emotional blockage; I'd thought that they'd accept me because they were my parents and they loved me. I thought this'd be like those inspirational coming out videos online, I was wrong.

My dad stopped sipping his coffee from his favorite mug as he stood by the staircase, his green eyes never leaving from the side of my face, the same green eyes I'd inherited. Out of my peripheral, I could tell that his eyes had widened, his shock approaching but ultimately simmering down to a hint of understanding.

And then, my mother spoke, humor in her voice as if I'd made the joke of a lifetime. My eyes flickered back to her as she smoothed down her church skirt, her mouth forming a smile as she quickly shook her head, "you're not gay, Jules." She denied before writing something down on the notepad by her bible. It was Saturday and she was preparing for church the next day.

Denial, something I'd tried when I first came to the conclusion that I wanted a boyfriend instead, when I stared more at the basketball team than the cheerleaders or the scoreboard. I'd been able to disregard that as confusion, I wasn't gay. I couldn't be that gay guy.

But when I realized I loved my best friend more than what was normal, I'd started to question my denial and accept myself eventually.

I was definitely gay.

I breathed in sharply, forcing the tears back and willing the burning in my eyes to stop, "Ma... I'm gay." I guided my voice, it coming out stronger than expected, despite the raw and broken sound. I felt like a broken record, constantly repeating something as insignificant as my sexuality to my parents. My eyes down casted on their own accord, shamefully, I was unable to look at her.

My father stayed where he was standing, "How do you know?" he asked and this brought my respect for him up immediately. It's not what he asked, it's how he asked it; my father was curious not judgemental. He was comforting in the best way he knew how.

Looking up, I shrugged forcing my eyes not to stray to my mother in fear I'd retaliate. The corners of my lips upturned slightly as I ran a hand over my face, "I just... know."

At least my father didn't hate me.

"You're just confused, Julian..." mom condescended, her voice a mixture of dying amusement and bewilderedness. She shook her head after a while, burying her nose back in her book for a second.

But before she could dismiss me, she looked back up at me, it bothered her. All of it did and she was uncomfortable, I tried not to waver in my demeanor. It had been months building up to this, I slowly started pulling away, started hanging out with Calum more often, girls less often. I kinda hoped she'd noticed.

"It's a weird age... impressionable." She was smiling, it soft as if she were actually sympathetic. "What about Carrie? She's a nice girl." And her words were blunt, hard, as if she were holding back some anger and I tried not to retreat.

Carrie Mulford was a nice girl but that was all she really was. She was one of the choir girls and I guess she was cute too with brown hair that fell over her shoulders and big brown eyes. My mother was close with her mom, had been since high school, I could sense the edge she had on her words.