Survival Journal

Chapter 26: Jealousy?

The rest weeks could be expressed as more peaceful than thought to be. With Adrian keeping just the right distance from me, still his menacing looks and sour memory of his Fragrance drove me to my limits, still he lived rent free onto my mind, driving me nuts in a way no man had ever succeeded. But now I would like to think it was all under my control.

A weird connection held my head back to him. Something unexplainable about the way he had expressed his words, he made me feel.

"I want you. I want you to lose your sanity over my presence. I want you to never have to ignore me ever again. I want to be in your mind day and night."

Those words until this day made me twitch in desire, although I couldn't accept it, I couldn't accept the affection he held on me, and certainly I won't accept how influential those words were.

He wanted me. And my sanity, it was visible now.

I didn't let those words menace my brain and poison my life, I didn't allow his presence for any more surprises. Instead I tried to keep myself in line and focus on what's essential.

The upcoming Canadian Grand Prix. Practice and more practice so I can stay concentrated on something elsewhere than his muscular face, his green gleaming eyes simmering through my soul and forcing me down to this ecstasy. The way his lips hovered over mine, and our tongues intertwined together, with our mouths shoved into each other.

No, no stop. That's ew, a disgusting thought! Nothing else! Oh my god..

Sweat forming on my forehead, the past weeks I haven't really gotten out of my comfort zone only a few hang-outs with Charles or Lewis. Besides them I didn't really had many friendships that matters. Im a bit selective.

And the burden I carried, the desire I couldn't admit to myself was making me feel heavy, heavy breaths and heavy eye lids.

Waking up in 3am at nights, reckoning all of our encounters, with a feeling of warmth suppressing my body, reminding me how safe I felt when his hands curled to my waist and gripped me harder than he should. His soft rich fragrance brushing through my nostrils. He was unquestionably invading my personal thoughts.

I found myself heating up under his impact. It was sickness.

Despite all of this crossing my head I refused to let him drive me to insanity, instead I occupied my free time with distractions like training for the upcoming race and the qualifying taking place today on noon.

Another morning I woke up early from those intensive dreams, featuring me and Adrian being intimate. Those kind of dreams that sickened me worse.

"Diana!" I yelled at the top of my voice with frustration and fear on top, giving her a call in the middle of my morning practise. I was testing my durability when I lost myself in deep day dream about him.

"Hell? What is it." She sounds annoyed from the other line. I really didn't want to put more burdens and problems to her back since she was having a break from all of this.

I was suffering. Suffocating. Slowly, and deathly.

"I'm not okay. I'm not! Is weird saying that since.. He shouldn't have any type of weird influence over me Diana, Any! He is my enemy after all but I can't stop restoring the memory of his lips on mine..." I yell frustrated. "And I'm sorry because I sound ridiculous, and my distraction is what he seeks."

A cloud of silence after a yawn is hearable, it only made me wonder in what time did I caught her.

Another spiral of disappointment with a sigh following, my eyes gazing the ceiling carefully.