Halfway to Love

Chapter 5

My first week went on much the same. I spent my days drawing on my walls, planning what I was going to paint. Eating lunch and dinner and then coming back upstairs after helping clean up. I didn't really talk to anyone much, just answered questions that were asked. River often came and stood at my door with a stuffie and watched as I worked.

Today was the first day I had to clean up by myself after dinner. It didn't actually take that long. I just had to rinse the plates and put them in the dishwasher, wash any pans that were used and clear down the table. I walk to the living room after, like I always do and see them cuddling, like they always are.

'I don't fit this dynamic' I thought. Instead of going up to my room I decide to go outside. The porch has become my favourite part of the house. There's even space heaters out here so you can sit here no matter what the weather is doing. I hear the door open and close behind me as I settle on the front steps. Daniel appears next to me and lowers himself down. He's so tall that his feet hit the ground at the bottom of the steps when he straightens his legs.

"What do you mean by you don't fit this dynamic?"

I look at him dumfounded,

"You said it before coming outside."

I feel the blush raise up my neck as I cover my ears with my hands.

"I...I didn't realise I said it out loud."

"How long have you had those thoughts?"

"Oh... uhm. Since I got here"

"Why?"

"I don't bottom. I can't. The idea of anything going near me, let alone in me, makes me want to peel my skin off. Which I guess is fine with River. Lewis seems like a switch and probably wouldn't really care as long as he was getting attention. But Slater only listens to you. Which means he probably doesn't bottom for anyone else. He calls you Sir which probably makes you his Master as he seems more slave then submissive. And I've never met a master that would bottom. Which means we would never... ya know. And I won't be with them and not you, that wouldn't be fair to them or you."

"You've been here a week and hardly spoken to any of us and yet you have picked up on so much."

"Trauma. When you are constantly watching and waiting for the next punch you learn a lot about the people around you."

"We would never hi.."

"I know. I'm not saying any of you would. But it's what I know. Plus, you have an eighteen overrule. So, it's not like any of this matters for another few weeks anyway."

We both just sit there silently watching the clouds roll across the sky.

"I like it here Daniel. But I don't want to change anyone. And I don't know if I can change myself."

"Do you want to change?"

I shook my head. Even though I wanted to get better, I never liked the idea of bottoming. I wanted to learn how to love someone's touch again, but I don't think I would ever love having someone or something in me. I tried it once consensually after I was raped the first time. To see if it was different. But I hated it just as much.

"I tried. After my dad... tried changing me the first time, to see if it was okay when I wanted it, but I hated it."

Daniel hums and nods.

"We do have 2 weeks before its even a consideration Elliot. How about you just spend 2 weeks getting to know us. We will be mindful of how close we are with each other."

"I don't want you guys to change how you are."

"We aren't changing who we are Elliot. We are being considerate. This is you home now too. We should have been more mindful from the start."

"Did I upset River?"

"They don't understand why you think you wont fit. Slater and I haven't spoken to either of them about what you've told us. Slater hasn't really told me what you spoke about either aside from that he is worried about you."

"I'm not wo..."

"Don't you dare finish that sentence Elliot."

I huff but and look down at my shoes.

"Where did River go?"

"To their room."

I nod and stand up before walking back into the house, going straight upstairs to Rivers room. They were right next to mine. We were able to customise our doors as well as our rooms and theirs was baby pink and blue with clouds and a silhouette of a family at the bottom. I knock and hear a faint "one sec" through the wood.

"Okay you can come in now."

I open the door to see River sat on their bed with a large stuffie on their lap covering their chest, their binder hanging on the back of their chair. I look at the floor.

"Sorry I didn't realise you were having a binder break. I can come back later to talk."

"N... no. Stay. Let me just put a t-shirt on."

I nod and turn around. I hear them shuffling around their room. Its kind of adorable how they always sound like they are walking around in shoes that are too big. They even a humph noise when getting back onto their bed.

"Okay you can turn around now. You are welcome to sit on my bed."