Halfway to Love

Chapter 6

Rivers room is set up exactly the same as mine. I sit on the bottom of the bed with my back against the wall with one leg straight out in front of me and one bent on the ottoman at the end of the bed.

"Slater said you struggled with his story when he told you about it. Which is one of the reasons I haven't really spoken about it. But if you want to understand then I have to tell you some of it. If you want to hear it that is. I'm not about to force my trauma on you."

River shuffles down the bed with their stuffie and sits next to me facing me. They leave a gap between us even though I know they want to touch me.

"I want to know Elliot. Whatever you want to tell me."

"I knew I was queer when I was quite young. And it was never really a problem. Till one night. It was a Thursday; I had stayed with a boyfriend the night before. I had a twin sister, and we would walk to school together every day. But because I hadn't stayed at home she walked alone. About halfway through she was hit by a semi. It had been raining and the truck lost control and hit her. She er... she died at the scene."

I clear my throat and adjust my position.

"My sister was the favourite. Even when we were younger she was the favoured. She got good grades; she had lots of friends too. She did all the clubs at school. After she died my dad become a monster and my mum became an alcoholic. If I weren't queer then I wouldn't have been with a boy and my sister wouldn't have been alone. He told me every day that it should have been me."

I look down at my hands and start fidgeting with my nails.

"He started beating me a year later. It wasn't that bad to start with. Then he started using belts, though his favourite tool was a meter long metal ruler that he had heated up. He thought that he could burn me with straight lines and some how make me less queer. When I turned sixteen he started getting his friends to sexually assault. Men and women to 'fuck the fag out of me'. Or at least that's what he said."

I hear River sniffle and bring their hands up to their face to hide their tears.

"About six months ago he took that kind assault into his own hands because he didn't think they were teaching me right. I was still too gay. And my sister was still too dead. I want to be here. But I can't be on the receiving end because of what has been done to me. Which likely means I wouldn't be with Slater and Daniel. Even though my dominant side matches you and Lewis pretty perfectly. I won't be with just half of you. That isn't fair. And I also wont force Slater and Daniel to do things that they also don't want to do."

I huff and look at the ceiling. I don't know if talking about it has taken a weight off of my shoulders or added another tonne to them. I can almost hear River crumble next to me as they start shaking and sobbing. I broke them just like Slater thought I would. I wanted to hold them, but I knew it would mess me up later. Fuck it.

"Oh, little one, come here."

I lift River onto me, so they are sat with their back to one of my legs. I put their head in the crook of my neck and rock them slowly, rubbing their back slowly. Movement at the door catches my eye and I look up to see the other three stood there quietly, they must have been stood outside listening.

"So much for easing you into my chaos individually."

River glances over at them before burying their head deeper into my neck and sniffling. Daniel clears his throat, okay it's definitely a nervous tic.

"How about we go downstairs and watch a movie together?"

River latches on to me, shifting so they are straddling me,

"Stay with Lelliot."

I chuckle at the name mis-pronunciation.

"I will come too. Do you want to put a binder on before we go downstairs?"

River shakes their head, so I shuffle off the end of the bed and stand up, putting them on my hip. With how petite they are its actually pretty easy to carry them like this.

"Holding your stuffie nice and tight?"

They squeeze the little purple bunny to their chest, and I walk out the room. Lewis had left at the first mention of movies so was probably already downstairs. Slater was walking in front of me, and Daniel was walking behind me. As we entered the living room Lewis was scrolling through Netflix looking at the cartoon movies. I stage whisper to River,

"Do you think daddy Daniel will let us steal the best seat?"

River giggles and nods frantically.

"oooh I don't know. You might have to go secure it so I can change my jeans into something more comfortable."

River giggles again as I lower them to their feet and run over to the sofa, throwing themselves over the back so they can sit in the corner. Daniel goes to walk past me to join them on the sofa, but I grab hold of his sleeve and pull him back up the stairs and to my room. I let go at the door and walk into the room, stripping off my jeans and putting some grey joggers before sitting on the edge of my bed.

"I will hold them tonight because they need me. And well... because I want to. But its likely to mess me up. Touch often triggers my nightmares. I think I used to scream because my dad would gag me while I slept, and I don't want to upset anyone by them hearing it."

Daniel comes and kneels in front of me, putting a head either side of me.

"My room is soundproof. I also have bad dreams, so I got the room adapted. You can have my bed."

"Wi.... will you stay?"

"Do you want me too?"

I nod.

"I want to get used to having people around me. But I know it will mess me up before it makes me better. But I don't want to upset people by being around them one day and hiding away from everything the next."

"I can talk to them about it later. Let's go watch this movie then we can head to bed okay?"

We head back downstairs and River stand when I walk around the sofa before pushing me into the corner and sitting on my lap, leaning their back against my chest.

"So, what we are watching little bean?"

"Nightmare before Christmas!"

"Because of course. It is the best stop motion animated film ever to exist."

River nods again before focusing completely on the tv. They sing along to all of the songs but hide in my neck when the oogie boogie song comes on. Once they snuggle into my neck they stay there and fall asleep before the film ends. When the credits are rolling Daniel lifts them out of my lap.

"They have a particular night routine that I help with. How about you go get into your pj's and head to my room. I will be there soon."

I nod and shuffle up the stairs. Having a human sit on you for over an hour, no matter how light they are, makes your legs go numb. When I get to my room I strip off my hoodie and joggers and put them in the laundry basket before walking down the hallway.