TGM

Chapter 21: Danger

I wake up in the morning at 0400 and do the usual routine. I almost forgot to make just one smoothie and grab only one banana. It's about three miles to base, and I decide to just have that be my warmup since my 1982 Kawasaki GPZ750 is waiting for me. I usually just call it my bike. Okay, that's a lie. Nick named it Danger. He claims he doesn't like it, but I know he loves my biker looks. I make it to base and do Candy's blend of martial arts. It's karate, taekwondo, and jujutsu with a tinge of Krav Maga. The two of us have black belts in all those except karate: in which we have red. One night, we were horsing around and made a mix of them. It became like a choreographed dance, as we are experts at the sport. In this moment, it almost feels like he's with me. I can hear him calling out the moves I've done, feel his hand in mine as he helps me off the ground, see him dashing off to find his Haribo gold bears, taste the Milky Ways he always hid just for me, and breathe in his scent. He always smelled like just a hint of cologne with a tinge of sweat and a strong cinnamon peppermint. I open my eyes to see the ceiling. Tears are rolling down my cheeks.

"I thought I might find you here."

"Ro?" I ask, now pulling myself up to be sitting crisscross on the floor.

"Hey. It's not your fault. You know that. Right?"

"Yeah, but it—"

"No. Jay wouldn't want you thinking about the what ifs. Here. Come help me."

"With what?  — Okay. I'm coming."

We walk to the locker room. I silently follow her inside. No one else is here this early. She tells me to go ahead and take my shower. When I come out in my flight suit, she is still going through his things. As I walk closer, I see all the pictures on the door. Two with Chris and Rose, their wedding picture is in there, and all the rest are either of him and me or us with Goose and Mav. We sit together and talk about all the little mementos he had.

"Oh, Rose. Here." I start to hand her his dog tags.

"No. Keep them. He would want you to have them. Just know this: you can't hang onto them forever. Nicole—I'm moving."

"What?!"

"Well, I was already planning to move eventually because I assumed Candy would get a more permanent position somewhere else. If not in Pensacola, then...; but now that he's gone? I mean, there's nothing really keeping me here. Right?"

"Well, I'm—"

"No. You don't need me around here. You'll be fine without me. Rage, don't get me wrong, I do love you; and I'm sorry, but no. I know you're hurting, believe me. But so am I—Every time—I see you, and it's just—constant reminder plays through my head. I'm sorry, but I can't handle it."

I just stand there staring in shock. As tears threaten to fall, I harshly blink them away. I force my expression blank before letting a stone-cold glare take its place.

"Will I ever see you?"

"Likely not."

"What about Chris?"

"I don't want him anywhere near here. It's likely he would become one too, then. I'm sorry, Nicole. I promise, I really don't blame you, but this is goodbye."

"Don't say that, Ro. If you can't see me, at least promise me you'll keep in touch. I promised him I would take care of you two. Please, Rose."

"Of course. I will. I do love you, Rage, and I'm so sorry."

"I forgive you. I'll see you soon, Ro. I love you too."

"See you."

She leaves, I assume, to pick up Chris. I finish going over Candy's notes on the lieutenants, and I write up the first draft of my report leaving room for changes for when I talk to the recruits later on. With time to burn, I head to my office. On my desk is a packet. The first thing I pull out is a letter. I see my name in Jay's writing on the envelope. I open it.