The Non-search

Chapter 17

Trigger warning: this chapter unpacks some heavy mental health issues.

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My mom was very excited, I'd barely parked my car in the driveway before she was out of the door, headed straight inside to find my father.

We'd just spent about an hour at the hospital. She was now seven months along, with her baby bump resembling a gigantic watermelon. Her car had been traded in for an upgrade which would be more fitting for the baby and my dad wasn't able to go to the appointment with her due to an important work meeting, so I was my mom's designated chauffeur for the day.

If my father had it his way, I was sure he wouldn't be working at all. He'd complained all morning about how he wished he could just go to the appointment with her. Sometimes I wondered if those two would ever get tired of each other. They spent every single day together, and the moments they didn't spend together, they spent missing each other and waiting impatiently to see each other again. Before I started going for my therapy sessions, I found this really annoying, but now I actually found their childish affection quite endearing.

I smiled as I heard a happy shriek from my mom all the way from the driveway and I finally made my way inside, finding my dad in the living room. He was beaming at the picture my mom just brought home from the hospital.

"JK! Did you see your adorable little sister?" he asked, his huge smile a mixture of adoration and pride.

"I saw it, Papa." I returned his smile with my own, taking the picture from him. My mom had gotten a 3D scan of the baby's face and it really was as adorable as my dad had said. Her eyes were squeezed closed and her hand was close to her head in a tiny fist. She had the slightest hint of a smile on her face, which made it look like she was having a sweet dream.

My dad smiled some more, taking the picture back from me. He couldn't get enough of it. "Wow. I love her already. I can't wait to hold her in my arms."

I looked at him and really took in the smile on his face. He was elated. Joy was oozing out of him in a way I'd never seen before and a part of me really envied the unborn baby. She would be getting a version of my dad that I could have only dreamed of when I was younger. My face dropped as invasive thoughts made their way into my consciousness. I tried my best to push them away, though. My dad and I had been on good terms for a while. Things weren't perfect, we definitely still had a few hiccups here and there, but progress was being made and I didn't want to stall it with any negativity from my side.

My dad went on to say something about how determined he was to protect my sister from any and all harm and that made it harder for me to avoid those negative thoughts. Most of my childhood interactions with my dad would end with me crying from having sustained a beating that outweighed whatever I had done wrong in his eyes. There was never an urgency for him to protect me. In fact, he was usually the one I needed protection from. My mouth seemed to open on its own accord, my tongue moving before I even had the chance to comprehend what I was saying. "So you're actually capable of wanting to protect your child? I guess you just didn't want to try for me, then?"

My dad seemed to freeze and I immediately hated myself for doing this to him. This was a beautiful moment for him and I'd probably just tainted it forever with my accusatory words. I was grateful that my mom wasn't in the room with us because it would have broken her heart. She was visibly happier to know know that my dad and I were making efforts to get to know each other and form a bond between us. I didn't want to ruin that happiness for her, or worse, send her into yet another depressive spell when she was so far along in her pregnancy.