𝐖𝐚𝐫 𝐎𝐟 𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐬 - TMR, Gally

006 - Disappearance

A/N: I'm sorry if my writing isn't the best here, but that's because I, luckily, don't really know what it feels like to have these thoughts and what the symptoms of that are.

~

I expected things would get better once I got a boost of confidence, out of a sudden. Whenever they made comments, I bullied them back just as hard. I made sure they wouldn't come close to me when I was alone.

But as I mentioned, I expected things to get better if I 'bullied' back, but it didn't. They definitely stopped making comments, yet it didn't make me feel good. Nothing made me feel good. Not even Luke, who I by now grew closer with, or Newt, my, still, best friend.

Things were messed up. I wasn't myself. Being mean to people wasn't my thing, even when they made fun of me. Lying wasn't me. I had told more lies in one month than I had done in my whole half year in the Glade.

"Oh, yeah. I'm fine", I told Newt every time he asked about the bags under my eyes. "Oh, don't worry. I'm just not hungry", I told Luke if he asked me why I didn't eat.

And the ways of dying jumped back into my mind every night. The motivation to do everything perfectly was gone. Now my work looked sloppy and unfinished. Gally didn't comment about it. He barely bothered to talk to me, even after the night with the closet thing... not that I tried my best to make contact with him.

Yet I did smile at everyone that walked past, I laughed at usual jokes, and I was polite. And it was fake. Amazing.

But I was dramatic. No one was really happy to be locked up in a maze.

In the evening, a week after the closet thing, I had enough motivation to shower. My hair had gotten greasy and my face dirtier than normal.

I grabbed fresh clothes, other ones than the sweater and leggings I had been wearing every day.

The bathroom was simple. It was five showers on the left, all of them shower curtains except for one in the corner. Gally had made a shower with a lock for me. There was a sink on the right along with towels.

Just when I was about to step into the shower with a towel wrapped around me strongly, the door opened. I immediately hurried to cover my body even more with my hands than just with the towel, then stared to see who it was.

Minho stood there, seeming to be ready for a shower, with dirt and sweat covering his skin. Once he noticed me he looked down and covered his eyes, though I swear there was a grin at first.

"Sorry." He apologized. "I'll... uh, should I keep watch?"

"There's a lock on my shower, don't worry. Just do your thing." I shrugged and disappeared into my shower.

"Keeping watch it is." He muttered.

I ignored anything else Minho did and showered excessively. I washed my hair, brushed it, cleaned my face and body, shaved, and rubbed the sleep out of my eyes, hoping it would make me look better.

"Hey, Val?" Minho shouted from outside. Even he called me Val. Everyone did.

"Yeah?"

"Are you okay?"

His question surprised me. Minho never seemed to notice me, let alone care if I was okay or not.

"I'm fine," I assured him.

"Yes? Okay." Minho paused. "I don't know. You... you just seem off sometimes. Different."

"I thought you didn't have time to observe me when I run." I snapped, slightly irritated he now suddenly did care.

Every morning I would run multiple laps around the Glade, hoping to impress Minho with it and let me be a Runner, or at least let me try out for it. But all he did was give me a sharp glance, then jog into the maze with Ben.

The running also cleared my mind better. Nothing helped to make it completely 'blank', but it did good things. Made me feel good and confident. It turned out I was quite fast, in my opinion. I had seen slower people for sure and I could run more than four laps around the field without getting totally out of breath.

"Oh, I observe everyone," Minho admitted. Before I knew it he started explaining it all. "I'm an observer. Keep it quiet and just watch people through the years. Know their habits, and try to read their faces... but doing it with you is hard. You seem to wear a different mask every day."

"Such wise words," I mumbled to myself before speaking up. "I don't wear masks."

"You know what I mean." 

"I don't. Sorry." I lied.
I wouldn't tell my problems to Minho. He would most likely laugh right in my face. Everyone would.

Later I walked through the Glade on my own. Twilight was there again, maybe my favorite part of the day. It was just peaceful.

"Val, Val, Val!" Newt made a weird jog over to me. "Come and sit with Luke and I."

I raised an eyebrow. "What makes you that enthusiastic?"

"Hm?" He rubbed his cheeks, which were starting to heat up. "Nothin'. It's just fun. Come on." 

I followed him closer to my brother, who sat on a bench where we mostly ate meals. "It's fun to hang out with two, mostly arguing, siblings?"

"Yeah," Newt confirmed.

"Newt." I started sternly. "Please don't tell me you have a thing going on with my shuck brother. No offense, but uh, I'd rather not see my best friend and brother in front of m-."

He interrupted fast. "Nope. Don't worry."

I sighed and greeted Luke, sitting down on the bench. The boys started talking right away, fast and jumping from subject to subject.

I leaned my head on my hand and looked around the Glade. A few boys were hanging out, just like us. People entered the showers and Homestead. Some lay down somewhere in the Glade. Those were the ones that liked to sleep outside and not in the Homestead.

And none of them seemed to bother us at all. It was a nice feeling, to have less shame about everything I did, but it also unlocked new thoughts. Would anyone notice if I disappeared?