saudade [Bakugou K. X reader] [Book two]

[F O U R T Y - O N E]

[Song recommendation: Formula --- Labrinth]

[Warning: mentions of various mental illnesses]

[Chapter Fourty-One]

"Katsuki?"

I turned in my chair, spotting his reflection in the dark screen of my laptop. Despite it being past midnight, he stood in the doorway of my dorm room, his hands shoved in the pockets of his sweatpants.

I stood up, closing my laptop gently as I did so. He closed the door with his foot, his gaze trained on the ground. I walked toward him, bringing my hands to his arms.

"Katsuki, what's the matter?"

He exhaled heavily, ruby eyes falling shut. He said nothing as he leaned forward, his forehead falling against my shoulder. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, embracing him softly. I didn't repeat my question. I just let him lean his weight against me, his stuttering breaths slowly evening out.

He took his hands from his pockets, wrapping them behind me. His palms were warm as he placed his hands along my spine, bringing my body closer to his. I sighed at the warmth, my muscles relaxing.

"Where were you?" He mumbled, his voice low and quiet.

"I haven't been feeling well," I admitted. "So Aizawa told me to rest."

He pulled back, his hands on my waist. "If you're sick—"

"Not that kind of unwell," I shook my head.

Katsuki paused. "What's wrong?"

"I'm okay," I smiled up at him. "You didn't come here to ask me about my problems. What's going on with you?"

"Just...missed you," He said, his knuckles brushing along my cheeks as he pushed my hair away from my face.

I moved my arms around his neck, apologizing quietly. He grabbed my legs and lifted me up, holding my thighs as he walked to my bed, turning to lay on his back with my body draped over his chest.

His hand slid underneath my shirt, his palms warming as he rested them between my shoulders and over my lower back. I hummed in appreciation, resting my head on his chest.

"What's wrong with you?" Katsuki asked, his tone much softer.

"Huh? Nothing, Katsuki, I'm alri—"

"Your room is a mess. You haven't been to class. You haven't been sleeping. You haven't been with Power Loader or with Deku. You only eat enough so that you don't get sick. You don't laugh as much as you used to, and when you do, it's forced. You don't smile like you used to."

I felt my eyes widen.

"You're changing. You think no one notices, but I do. I'll always notice," He raked his fingers through my hair. "I fucking hate seeing you like this. So tell me what's wrong so that I can help."

How do you tell someone that you're suffocating in your own skin? How do you look at the person you love the most and tell them that you're not happy? That even the smallest thing sets you off, and you don't know why? How do you tell someone that you want to claw your skin until you bleed just for the slim chance that your soul can escape and you can get the fuck out of there?

How do you tell someone that you'd rather have your heart ripped from your throat than to continue on living?

Since I was young, I struggled with little bouts of depression and anxiety. Most people did. At least, that's what I always was told. Lots of people have days where they just don't wanna do anything and don't want to get out of bed. Lots of people get nervous butterflies whenever they mention something new.

5% of the population in the entire world have depression.

3.6% have anxiety.

I never thought about it. I never thought it would affect me like this. I never imagined myself to be in a position where an entire universe was depending on me because of my abilities that I didn't even know existed until a year ago.

I was living in a world in which I didn't belong. At first glance, no one would think anything of my existence; I look like everyone else, I act like everyone else, and I function the same as they do. But it isn't mine. This is not the world I was born into. This was not the world that I was raised in. This is not the world where my family began. This is not the world that I know. I was a stranger on foreign ground, in a dimension that I didn't belong in.

I was being targeted from all sides. Kimina. Dabi. Hawks. All Might. All for One. It felt like the people that I had trusted in the beginning were becoming my enemies, and the people who were my enemies were becoming my allies. I didn't understand.

My head swarmed with thoughts constantly. This problem arose; how do I fix it? This thing broke; what needs to be fixed? This plan didn't work; what do I need to change? The heroes don't know what to do next; I guess I can try to help them. I can't do that; this needs to be done first. I need to finish this first, then work on this; but I suppose I can squeeze this in and work on it as well.

Everyone wants to be the smartest. Everyone wants the title of being the strongest. But when the responsibility comes to rest on their shoulders, they cave and retreat away from the spotlight. They continue to lurk in the shadows and criticize you for every move you make when they weren't even strong enough to help shoulder the burden.

I couldn't do this anymore. I was tired. So, so tired. I didn't want to try anymore. I didn't want to be the face everyone looked at. I didn't want to be the face that everyone learned to hate because I couldn't do anything to save them. I didn't want to be the person that failed everyone.

I didn't know what was worse: The fact that All for One wanted to strip me of my quirks and leave me to die, or that I wanted to let him.

[Chapter Fourty-One: End]
[Date: 4 August 2023]
[Images not mine]
[Edited]