Caged Bird | ✔

Chapter Twenty One

A box lives on the top of my cupboard that holds many pieces of my life from the time I was a little girl to present day. I pull it off the dusty top, as I know there is one thing in there right now that I am specifically looking for

It has been a while since I have revisited this box, which has left the box to collect quite a number of dusts, so much so that there is a layer of dust that coats the lid. And when I make a move to lift the lid, it leaves a residue of grey powder on my fingers

Laying the box on my bed, I pull out the one item my fingers have been itching to get a hold on for quite some time now

A skipping rope

I recall back to the times I have spent using the skipping rope over the years, since I had first discovered the skipping ropes power when I was 7 years old.

I would say that the way I used the rope was not in a very conventional sense where one would jump over it, but rather to lash the rope against my skin to inflict pain. Truthfully this method of self-harm was inspired by dad

The first time I did it, I was rather young; - it was around the time when I had not quite grown out of seeking attention from my mother.

I did not know that she did not possess the ability to notice me, especially when she did not have Heroine in her blood stream

Mom's brain did not function without drugs pulling the reigns

Naievely I thought I could help her if I was the perfect kid for her, I thought I could make her love me, make her try to be better

Mom had been doing heroine since her early thirties, the drugs had eaten on her body and left her with almost nothing but skin pulled taught over bones. Doctors were surprised when I came out such a healthy baby especially when there was so much wrong with her

Charley still told me this story of my miraculous birth, back when she was still around

I grew up to not look to my mom for my core needs, - My stepsiblings saw to that. Charley was like my mother, she helped me with everything from brushing my hair to dressing me and changing my diapers all around the clock.

Cassie once told me that Charley was the only one who ever changed my diaper, not even dad had done it.

Ethan helped me with my homework and drove me to school every day as well as fetched me. Ethan was the oldest out of my four siblings and he had worked a couple of off jobs since the age of 12 to be able to save up and buy himself a car

Will played with me whenever I wanted to and always gave me candy when Charley said it was bad for my teeth

And Cassie was the one who always had my back, - still did, to this day

I had 4 caregivers yet I had still wanted my mother's love. Maybe I was greedy and always had a penchant for wanting what I could not have

Unfortunately If not loving me was the worst thing that mom could do, she would not have been my mother, for that would still be too generous

I do not know the first thing about parenting, but I knew they were supposed to love, protect and care for you. However mom did none of that, she did almost the opposite of that

Most of mom's life was still an unsolved mystery to me, through the years I learnt from dad that mom was kicked out of her house by her parents, she moved around a lot, hopping from one place to another, crashing by whoever was willing to take her in.

Somewhere along the line mom met dad, and he showed her kindness, - who knows if they ever really truly loved each other, nevertheless, not too long after that dad married my mom