Unkept Promises

Indifference

Abhiram's POV

We were on our way to Dr. Godbole's clinic after Avi had picked me from my office. It had been a week to our last session. Dad had picked up Aaru from Avi's office. He would be staying with mom and dad today.

This entire week we had been speaking all of what came to our minds concerning those remnant bitter feelings, or more like Avi was speaking and I was listening and responding patiently. I mean, as patiently as I could considering the entire turmoil of a multiple emotions in my mind at that point - guilt being the most prominent.

That one conversation which hurt the most was when Avi questioned me about indifference. We were making lunch together since it was a Sunday afternoon and Aaru demanded to eat Undhiyu.

(Undhiyu is a Gujarati mixed vegetable dish).

Now, since Undhiyu involved a lot of preparation, Avi and I had gotten to work quite early. Its really surprising how Aaru really liked Undhiyu since when I was a kid I practically ran away from it.

"Why were you so indifferent to me?", Avi asked all of a sudden while I was chopping some sweet potatoes.

I turned around to gaze at her. She was standing with her hands on the food processor, looking deep in thoughts, yet curious and honestly, somewhat in trepidation too, as though my answer would scare her somehow.

I though about her words - my indifference. The way I had been so cold to her for that period, the way I kept brushing off her efforts to make amends, to resolve the situation, the way I avoided the topic, the conversation, her. It brought me back to the same question - why and how.

I glanced back at her, trying to frame an answer, frame some words, at least.

"That day, when Dev was here, and then you had grown increasingly upset because of your guilt, you remember how I had changed the topic of conversation right?"

I nodded.

"Well, you know what had rushed past my mind prior to that?"

"Despite of the gravity of this situation we are in, I could never feel my love for you not triumphing. I just could not see how you were in pain at that time, how hurt you were in that moment. That time I felt that we could never really be indifferent to the person we love. So now Abhiram, do tell me, you claim to love me right, I mean, as much as I could sense from your eyes, your gestures, you have always loved me - then how could you be so indifferent to the person you love, all that while?"

Her words felt like a sturdy slap to my face.

I loved her, I love her, always have, always will, even then I loved her despite of all those misunderstandings which had promulgated in my mind, but then why had I been so very indifferent to the sorrow in her eyes, to her tears.

"You might not have the answers to these questions Abhiram, or perhaps, in a corner of your mind, you do have them - but you have pained me, pained me a lot. The most hurtful thing was the way you made me question our love, whether all I had with you ever existed or if it was a mirage of promises which vanished."

Tears prickled my eyes as I shook my head.

"No Avi, it was never a mirage, it cannot ever be. What we have shared amidst us, our love - its pure Avi, it unadulterated. Yes, thanks to my doing, I have let a blot stain that pristine canvas, but I will erase it Avi. Do not say this please."

"Pata hai tumhe (do you know), what has happened in between us would not even seem as large a matter to some couples. They might just directly move forward with a single apology or perhaps, without it too. But I cannot get this out of my mind Abhiram. Am I being paranoid, am I making a mountain out of a molehill, am I stretching it? I thought over this, ruminated over all those thoughts - but you know what, this is that significant of an issue to me, that serious of an issue for me.", she stared at me in the eye, as my blurry eyes tried to hold onto her distorted image.