Fuck Puck Love

Chapter -Vienna

Joe's. That is the large sign I read from the driver's seat of my car. It's now 4:15 and I've been sitting here for twenty minutes.

I parked directly next to Ezra's car that's the only way I know he's already inside waiting on me. He was here even before I was. 

I can just picture him sitting inside with melting ice cream, waiting for me, and as much as I want to be happy over the fact all the image does is add me. 

Just a month ago I would have been running into that shop just to see him and now I can't even bring myself to go inside.

With a deep exhale I open my door and one foot after the other I step out of the car knowing ezra can probably see me through the large windows around the entire shop. I try to act confident in case he truly is watching but I know he could see through the facade, he was always able to do that.

I take slow cautious steps toward the parlor and when I finally make it to the entrance. With one final deep breath, I walk inside and am immediately met with the sight of Ezra holding my favorite, strawberry ice cream. 

He is standing there at the entrance like an awkward little kid waiting for his mom in the mall, and I find it to be one of the most adorable things I have ever seen. Why does everything he does make me just fall a little harder, it's not supposed to be like this anymore.

 I should want to laugh at him right now not run up and hug him, even though I know that hug would feel like home he can't be that for me anymore, no matter what he says to me in the next few moments.

"I'm Gay" he could say but this is not so probable.

"I tripped onto her lips" Most probable, though it is a big, fat lie.

Either one doesn't solve our problem so I don't really see why I am here other than to make peace with a final goodbye, because I deserve one. At the very least.

I walk within a few feet of me and I can see my Ez shoulders slightly drop when I stop so far from him, we used to collide when we saw one another, but now the distance we keep symbolizes much more. The distance in between is not just physical but emotional as well.

He holds out the ice cream and I grab it from his hand feeling the soft whisper of his hand grazing mine. It all but tears me apart. I used to cherish these little innocent moments but now they hurt knowing the new reason for the nervousness in my stomach. The ache in my heart.

I awkwardly lead us to a dimly lit corner on the far side of the shop away from the crowd of people surrounding the windows.

He nervously sits down and I sit across from him in silence, neither of us knowing how to start. Today we have to let go, and I'm sure we both know that.

"So, uh, how have you been"

"We don't have to do the awkward stuff," I say "We were never once like that with each other don't start that now, too much has already changed"

He visibly swallows before saying. "I had no choice"

I freeze. What the hell is he talking about?

"Bailey started talking about my dad and for some reason instead of letting her spread the truth about my family I decided to give her what she wanted and kiss her, I was going to tell you, please understand, I never wanted to hurt you" I don't try to interrupt him once.

I only listen with wide eyes and what I hope is only a slightly ajar mouth.

Is this really supposed to make it all better? 

But it does doesn't it I read somewhere that abuse victims will always have some attachment to their abuser, a certain protectiveness.

He kissed her.

He thought it was his only option.

My brain is going in every direction. Do I forgive him? Does this truly erase everything?

And though this does help I decide this can't fix everything it's only a bandaid that signals it could get better.  So maybe we can fix this

"I'm sorry but this doesn't completely erase everything, but thank you for telling me" With that I stand to leave.

"Star?" 

"Ez?"

"Is this it? Are we done?" the look in his eyes shatters my very soul.

"I think we have to be"

"You always were a hard hitter," he says with a laugh.

"No, I'm not naive."

"Maybe I am"

"You are the picture of it" I turn and leave him, to what could be forever. What happens if without him becomes my always?

===================

Dedicated @Ellie4824 thank you for being such a supporter and motivation.