There is No Epic Loot Here, Only Puns

9: Quissing the Dungeon

Well... it wasn't a War Chief.

Quiss eyed the hole set into the side of a large clearing. The sign tacked to the top of the entrance was clear in its intent. Quiss rolled his tongue around, digging out egg from between two teeth.

Normally, a Dungeon usually did it's best to lure people in byways of warmth, alluring entrances, women's laughter, a flash of gold.

Things that might have the average man enticed.

Quiss had never quite heard of a Dungeon telling people to piss off; then again that would be clever. Nothing made a man, a little drunk after a long day, angry like an inanimate object telling him to keep out.

Seldom did men like being told what to do by innocent objects. In Quiss' questionable education, he found that a Dungeon was usually one thing.

Trouble.

Well, he was being unfair. The richness of the hill grass around him, the blooming flowers hiding just out of sight in the underbrush, the screeching noises of animals trying to bed one another, usually in dangerous fashion, and even the clear babbling noises of nearby rivers sounded out.

Dungeons were good for the land. It was akin to a blackout that sucked up crappy mana and objects and leaked much better mana over time. Like a strict husband or wife that took in a lout of a man out of the gutter, bedded him, wed him, then cleaned up his act.

Perhaps that was Quiss' own personal perfect logical thoughts on marriage shining through again, but he dismissed that thought before he shot the happy singing bird not far off.

Dungeons also had a high mortality rate. Quiss didn't even find it funny anymore. Idiots waited in lines for months for a turn in some slimy dungeon and instead of training, they would sleep or gamble away their grandfather's rusty set of Mythril armour that definitely would have saved their lives.

Quiss honestly found the Dungeon culture to be a bit of a mess. Verluan had a handful of the things. A great city had been built around one once and then it promptly collapsed as they failed to take into account such things as trade routes, seasonal changes, general meaning of what it would take to keep a city running off random-chance loot drops and chests that may or may not kill you.

Last he heard, the city had decided to downgrade to a heroic villa for adventurers to spend the day in a spa before heading off to strike mediocre riches or die from a slime that looked like a mundane slime but was actually a royal jelly.

Common mistake, not one people often made twice. His research into the deepest dark tomes and scrolls had revealed the way to discern the way to tell the difference. The royal jelly had a tiny crown and oozed with elegance.

Quiss turned and, without much hurry, walked back to the village. He needed to call a town meeting and that meant waking up Haldi.

Quiss' features soured to the point he felt ill. Why did he have to wake Haldi? He sighed and patted his navy jacket. PeaceKeeper duties at their finest. He briefly entertained the idea of letting the dungeon be and ignore it until problems cropped up.

But... it sounded like it had already eaten one hunting party and a farmer... and maybe a pig.

Those were problems. Quiss rolled his tongue again and eyed the forest to the far side. The thought came into his head despite his protests.

The monsters of the forest would be drawn to this area. Goblins, Unreasonably Large Spiders, lizard people who decided to kill other people and angry bushes.

Quiss hoped the bushes stayed in the forest. He'd rather not fight them again. His allergies acted up at the worst times when he was casting a spell. A fireball was not meant to defy natural order like it did the last time he sneezed mid-cast and burned a goblin into a duck.

----

The room of webs was coming along nicely. Delta zipped in and zipped back out, doing the dance when she thought some web had pierced reality and touched her ghostly self.

She rubbed her face, the area feeling itchy. There was an oddly wavy line that one could traverse without getting the thick webs in their face but even to her eyes, it took an aerial view to see it clearly.

Sure... the adventures could just burn it all but Delta had planned for that! In the middle of the room was something she hoped would... stall the idea of fire.

Delta cackled as she suggested the idea to her powers and it came back positive. A berry could indeed germinate into a berry bush. It seemed with some additional mana cost, she could just up and skip the growth stage. The only off thing is that bush came without berries.